Didn't stay as consistent as I planned...

I didn't stay as consistent as I thought I would, but I am working on it. Funny I can do a few nights in a week and then *wham* it's weeks before another one gets done.
I certainly have plenty to be grateful for lately. It seems like I start this too late and all I have enough energy to do is a quick list. So here it is.

I am grateful for....
...JoDee - she's the best friend/roomie a girl could ask for.
...my momma - I don't talk to her as much as I used to but when I do, it feels so great.
...my job - gotta love when your job is something you love more than anything.
...my friends down here - they really help a girl feel like she is home.
...my car - got it's brakes replaced and I feel like I am back on my safe travels.
...my ever-growing bank account - there are times it stays neutral but it's growing..slowly but surely.
...my health - I had a terrible terrible cold and it's almost gone...being healthy and energetic feels SO good.
...my friends back home - I haven't seen them in quite some time and I am looking forward to seeing them when I go home for xmas.
...my house - even though there is a loafer living in the library...it's not THAT bad.
...the weather - it's getting to be winter and it's nothing close to a winter back home. :)
...myself - I am happy and motivated to do what I do...and I am where I want to be and going to the places I want to go.


Aaaaand that's it.

Good night and happy dreams.
xoxoxo

Bloggity Blog...

Still reeling from the past week...
Quick listin' it tonight though. 

-watching a movie with my sick little JoDee...poor dear friend. I am grateful for her health that will be back to her shortly.

-my awesome job. It seriously rocks.

-my good great friends down here...they also seriously rock. My friend Andy helped me with my car and now I am driving safe again. Talk about being grateful...sheesh. 

-recently am appreciating this little bit of Idaho weather down here. Hey...I did say I was homesick. Certainly feels like home, so fixed that issue. :)

-I get to go home & see my family very very soon...oh I am so excited to spend some nice quality time with Emma, and Tiggs, and my momma, and my brother, and my sil, and the friends that I get to see. (Whoever they may be...)

-The music I get to listen to every day...sooooo good.

-I actually have to go back to my job. I really feel so blessed to have this job, this position in this specific department, to work with these people. It's a fun, great place and I am so in love with it. I learn so much every day, and it's just awesome. 

-My life down here has been on an upward progression, pretty much all of 2010. The past week feels like I had a significant increase in the level of awesomeness. Feel like it had a spike and might even out up there.  Every day...life is good...if not great. 

It's very funny to be in this mindset...good funny. Awesomely funny. Simply rad.

So that's it for today. 

Good night and happy dreams. 

xoxo 

What a week...

It's really late but I am determined to get better at posting this...

The past few days were incredible. Probably one of the best weekends I have had in a really long time. I feel like I'm back on the right track mentally, physically, emotionally, everything. I lost my focus for a while and didn't even realize it. I am reminded of more and more things I am grateful for every day and just feel...right.

Now...recently...like the past day or so...I feel like I had a revelation. I remembered when I moved here I told myself "I am moving to California to succeed in the career choice I know is meant for me. I am going to work, be married to my work, give 120% to it. No need to think about or focus on relationships, or even going out and "living the LA life". I LOVE living here, where I do, with the friends and places close to me. I can have just as much fun staying in my world as I could going out in Hollywood or wherever is "hoppin" that night. I don't have to get all extra dressed up and wear uncomfortable shoes. The atmosphere in the places I choose to go to are the ones I love and kinda remind of back home. Getting caught up in the lifestyle down here isn't really what I have to do. I can do the occasional big night out, but overall, I can live a simple life and keep my focus on my job, to keep moving up. To keep learning more and more and be the best at what I am doing.
So, that being said. (Long winded...I know) I kinda decided to be a little more selfish than I was before. I like to be by myself, and I get to do that a lot more in my new house. I come home from work, work out, hang out a bit with the Jodster, and then I'm alone. I love that too. The thought popped into my head that I should make some rings that are all based around the word ME and wear them on my ring finger. I can be married to me. I can be in a committed relationship with myself. I can actually fulfill everything I need to be happy without having a boyfriend. I mean, I won't be opposed to a date if a guy asked me out. (well...depending on the guy anyway). I'm not closing off my friends, or anything else that could come into my life. I am open to whatever awesomeness that wants to come in my life. But the past month has been a lot of realizing things for me and how I want to live my life so I am happy. ME. It all depends on ME. So that's how it's gonna roll...and damn...I feel great about it. I feel like I am kinda on a high...super weird but super rad.

This may or may not have the 10 things I am grateful for, but there really are a bunch of specific things I am grateful for that happened since my last blog. Way more than 10. I think in a way...how I was describing little pieces of my life and how I feel and all that...the point got out there. It's like...so many things just keep happening, all little yet huge...and yeah. It's pretty awesome. I thought about most of them when I wrote this, and I know more things are going to keep happening. I will have plenty to talk about...perhaps not in specifics, but me having a lot to talk about shouldn't be a surprise.
It is very late though, and I have a motivating week ahead.

Good night and happy dreams
xoxo.

Missed yesterday for good reason...

Well...I did miss one day of this nightly trend I am trying so hard to keep up...but all for good reason. It was my darling bff Jodee's birthday and we went to the Pirate Adventure. Think Medieval Times but piratey... :) It was a super great night...started with some Dom on the way down...a lil Bacardi with our dinner...pirate beads and bandanas...oh yes. Good time was had by all.

The things I am grateful haven't changed much, but tonight it's slightly futuristic..

Tomorrow is payday...oh yessss. Big thing to be grateful for. My wonderful, kick-ass job that pays me what I need to survive! Woot woot! Big things in store for me..the next few days especially!

Had a nice chat with my momma tonight...always great to hear her voice. Life is good for her and my sister, which is just so nice to know. Seems like most of my friends & family are doing great...enjoying life to it's limit. :) Found out my Bradley's dad's procedure went well, which is a huge relief. THAT is something to be seriously grateful for. 

Super day at work tomorrow...tanning afterwards...and then going to Hotel Cafe to see Alex, the lead singer of The Damnwells! They have been one of my favorites since I saw them open up for The Fray many many years ago. I am sooo looking forward to it, since I missed the show last week. Then Friday I am going to a show at Sunset Marquis - an acoustic set with honeyhoney (who opened up for Lifehouse - the show they dedicated a song to me at). There is also a newer artist named Gary Clark Jr who I am absolutely stoked to see. I watched a bunch of youtube videos of him today and he is an incredible guitar player...it's gonna be amazazing. Who knows what's in store for the rest of the night after that. Saturday is another tanning session...cuz after pics last night it is obvious I am due for some serious color in my skin. The vampire look doesn't work so well for me with this dark hair. At least in my mind...haha. I believe my friend Andy is going to come up and check out my car to see what repairs need to happen so it stays my trusty lil Pilot and keeps getting me where I need to go. Saturday night is comedy night with my Sarah girl...we have a great plan of research that needs to begin and we have to hit it hard! Going to be so much fun!! Sunday is another morning of Agape and then some cleaning, laundry and relaxing. Maybe I will even rent "Get Him To The Greek" so I can catch up with the humor that is quoted constantly from that movie. Throw in a Costco & grocery stop...pretty much doesn't get better than that for weekend plans. Maybe if I get a wild hair up my ***, maybe go see Jackass 3D. We'll see. Anywho...all in all...so much to look forward to in life...just the next 4 days alone are enough for this blog. The sun is supposed to come out again tomorrow too! 

Things are looking up for my future...every day I see more and more of what I want happening. Life is so good when you let it be...and by gosh...I let it. :)

Good night and happy dreams.

xoxo

Mid-October....

Well...today was definitely better than some of the days I had last week. Actually..today was just like another normal fantastic day. I can tell that last week was just an out-of-norm stage...won't dwell on it...they happen.
I do know that tonight, though, I have just as many things to be grateful for as I did yesterday. As I will tomorrow, and next week, and next month.
I do know that it is later than I intended to be awake, and I have a big day tomorrow. It is Jodee's birthday and we are going to the Pirate Adventure (pirate version of Medieval Times.) It's going to be so much freeekin' fun!! I can't be up too late writing this, but like I said, I am going to do my best at being consistent.


Quick gratefulness tonight...
I am grateful for...
My friends (new and old, the near and far), my family (each and every single one of them), my job, my coworkers, the career I continuously grow in, my home, my car, the sunshine that makes Cali Cali, being able to go to Agape, being able to drive a short (but not really) drive and be right at the ocean...to see the never-ending water...


Good night & happy dreams 
xoxo

Inconsistency...

I'll be the first to admit my inconsistency with this blog could be a small piece of the puzzle to why my funky mood took control the past week or so. Granted...female hormones could have allowed the bummed-out mood to overcome the natural happy-go-lucky self I tend to be. Either way...my angels have been hinting that I need to do this blog, every day, like I used to. Even if it's a quick, jot down 10 things real fast, or an unloading of everything kinda blog, I need to do it. 

So here it is. We'll see how this one ends up.

The things I am grateful for still are similar to what they were when I started this blog, a year ago. Funny to think I have been living here for over a year now. And to think of where I am, what I am doing, and the things that have come into my life (and left for that matter)...it's amazing. 

Honestly, first and foremost, I am grateful for myself. That might sound slightly egotistical, but not really. I am grateful that I found the career that makes me the happiest, and I worked and trusted it would happen for me. I went through great depression, having no money, no life, ups and downs, fear of failure, highs of hope, a roller coaster of everything for months. I didn't give up, even though I was close. I got the job I knew I was going to get, and every day I learn more and more and love what I do more and more. Not a single day goes by that I leave work feeling bad, stressed out or upset about my choice. The past week of feeling abnormally down, the only time I actually felt normal was when I was at my job. It's seriously one of the BEST things that has ever come into my life. I couldn't be more grateful for the position I have, the boss, the coworkers, the connections, the friends, everything that has come along through this job. Feeling the days get better and better just keeps happening, and I know it is just going to be a trend. Every day there...gets better and better.

(*In addition to the job, I have networked myself out as a babysitter and will start to fulfill that piece of me that has been missing...the children factor. I love kids too much to not have some interaction with them. I get to start babysitting very very soon and I am very very very excited about it!*)

Now, to go along with the job, there are so many people I am grateful for, as I could not have gotten there without them. I could have failed, or given up, but these people kept me going. My mother, without her love, her support, her faith in me, I wouldn't have been strong enough to make it. My brother Josh, his care and brotherly support. I couldn't have imagined my brother would have such a part of my life down here being so far away, but he has shown me a lot of strength with his own life and kept me pushing for positivity for the both of us. As well as his support for me achieving my dreams...means so much. 

I have so many friends down here that made my life so much more happier than I could have imagined. My old roommates (who, yes, I miss very much) - Reece, Katt, Jeff, Chelsea, Ben & Kameron...those friends made my home down here the best place I could be. I felt safe, happy, welcome...I was surrounding by genuine care mixed with family sarcasm. Being that my family is very sarcastic, it was the atmosphere that definitely helped my homesickness disappear. The extended group of friends, all the clan that used to gather at our house or Shawn & Patrick's house....those people made memories that I won't ever forget. (Thanks to a multitude of pictures being taken at almost every hang out.)

Now...moving out of that house pulled me out of the consistent routine I had in my life. The happy chaos of the house with the dogs and never being alone, that is something I will miss. I already miss it. The new peaceful atmosphere of my new house is something to get used to, and it's slowly but surely progressing into the exact thing I need. I am learning another new lesson (which I found out today, I make the lessons appear) and I am excited to experience and balance out my life in this new place. I get to live with the JoDee...who I have been grateful for in many of my blogs. She is one thing that will always be on my list of things I am grateful for. The most genuine, kind-hearted and wonderful friend anyone could ask for, and every day I am reminded of the reasons I am grateful for her being in my life. How awesome is it that we get to be roomies finally!?!? I knew when I came to visit her two summers ago that I would live in this room, in this house, and be her roommate. I knew it. As we get settled into this new experience of being roomies, getting a balance to our lives, with her love life..my whatever-it-is "love" life...our friends, our exercise, our happiness...life just gets better and better. 

Now, after going home around Labor Day, I realized a couple things. 

One: The friends I have back home are some of the best in the world, and I will forever be grateful and happy that we are friends. Even if contact is few and far between...we will always be friends. Traci Jean (my twin), RaeAnne (RaeRae), Erin (My RinnyRoo), Erica (my who-knows-maybe-one-day-be-my-SIL), my LaBrisha (Bri), Jina (Walk even though it's Copstead now), Bradley (oh my dear Bradley <3), Lacey (I'll take care of the Pilot), Tara Anne (my cousin who's like a sister), and all of my dear friends at KXLY...I got to spend at least a little time with you, and I am seriously so glad and grateful I did. 

Two: I might have 50+ friends back home that I care about and want to see, but there are a couple handfuls of friends that I can't go without seeing. I made an extreme effort to see everyone I possibly could while I was home for 6 days, and I got to see almost all of them.  I am so happy I got to see and spend time with the few that I did...and believe you me...I couldn't live without them. I am very sad I didn't see everyone, but what can you do? I hope they know that I love them just as much as I did 5 years ago...and always will. Hopefully next time I am home we can make something happen. 

To round up this blog, as it is late and I am trying to get on a schedule of going to bed early in the hopes of waking up early to get my work-out on...I am grateful for so many things in my life, as always. I am grateful for the new friends I have made here, the few lessons I unwillingly taught myself, the strength I am still learning with some situations, my sweet car that I love always and forever, my faith and knowledge that my career is growing and the dreams I had for my career WILL come true, my health, my energy, my happiness, my everything. Life as I know...consistently gets better. Even with downer days, I know they will pass. I know that even while they are present, the greatness is still working for me. Being grateful and appreciative of everything in my life works for me. Going to the Agape International Spiritual Center and hearing Rev. Michael Bernard Beckwith speak is seriously something that my soul tells me I need to do. That is one more thing I am so grateful for...living here allows me to attend the services and feel the energy and be rejuvenated back to my old self...words don't even express what the Rev. does for me. 

Last note - as I cannot go a day without thinking of her - my darling Emma Grace. I love that girl more than anything else and just looking at a photo or video of her makes my energy shift into happiness...even when I miss her greatly. She is such a ray of sunshine and I am so blessed to have her as my niece. I watch BeenerKeKe on youtube just to have the chuckle of knowing she is addicted to watching him. 

Alrighty, this blog ended up longer than I thought, but not as long as it could have been. Here is to a night of growing and getting back on track. Here is to a night of inconsistently being consistent. Good night and happy dreams. 

xoxo

Keeping this one short & sweet...sorta.

Well I am keeping this one short again due to the time. Every day there are so many things I am grateful for. It feels unfair to not be able to write all of them down. Ha...I guess I could tweet about it every time I think about random things I am grateful for....perhaps I will. I wonder how many people would get annoyed with it...

I'm just gonna list them out tonight...short and sweet. No particular order...just a list.

I'm grateful that I work at the place I do, with the people I do.
I am grateful for the friends I have here and get to have in my life.
I am grateful for my momma and all the rest of my family.
I'm grateful for music...
I am grateful for the house I live in...and the one I am going to move into.
I am grateful for my roommates...who are part of the ^^friends up there...but I see them the most...
I'm grateful for how the summer is going to end up...I see it being uh-may-zing in every possible way. (Going home might be a big part of that.)
I am grateful for the exercise I have been doing...I feel better...I am sleeping better...it just feels good.
I am uber grateful for living in California...being a resident. I feel like I have turned onto a new path...
I'm actually really extra grateful for my boss & my job...it really is THE perfect job for me and the more I do, the more I learn. The more I learn, the better I do...and it's pretty much a repeat-cycle of awesomeness.


These ones just flowed out of my fingertips and I didn't even realize I had hit 10. I realized that the only time I think of the words "can't" or "impossible" are when I think about how it's impossible for me to think a negative thought...I can't think a negative thought. 99.9% of the time I can always think of a positive side to any situation. It's not a matter of being naive or unaware of what's going on. It's about looking at it from a different perspective and seeing how somehow, someway, something, is happening for a reason. You may not know why for years after it happens, and you could possibly never know why. But you still have to go through it. There's a light at the end of every tunnel. You just have to find it.

Oooookay here's a mini cheers *woot woot* for posting two nights in a row. 

It's really been almost 4 months...

I can't believe it's been 4 months since I have done one of these...I guess life has been so great I haven't had to write out the things I am grateful for. I am aware of all the amazingness in my life...every day.
Since my last blog, I have had my old roommates (who I was so ever grateful for all the time) move out and new ones move in. If I thought I had great roommates before, I was just setting the bar high for the current roommates I have now. They definitely succeeded in reaching that expectation. This batch of roommates is UH-may-ZING! We have had such a blast together...from the parties to the beach days to the Vegas nights to the work out sessions to the movie marathons. Somehow...I was blessed when I moved into this house. Which brings me to my next point...of having to move out of this house. Everything about my life here is exactly what I expected, except for my income. I will admit, I believed I was going to earn more and be able to afford a balanced life a little more than what I am balancing right now. The search is on for a 2nd job to catch up and get ahead, and it's also time for me to move out of this amazing house. Leave my fantastic roommates, the sweet house, all of it. Not going too far...just a few miles away in with my lovely friend JoDee. You know...the one I have mentioned time and time again. Yeah...her. I finally get to move into the house she lives in, and will still be a short distance from my job.I am very very excited to be able to live with her and see what kind of excitement comes into my life!
Along with this change...I have started my new job...been there for about 3 months now. Funny to think...this is the exact job I knew I was going to get. The one I felt was mine. I feel so happy every day going to work, knowing I am working my way towards the success and happiness that will come from this job...the life I envisioned for myself is well on its way. What's interesting about this job is that I feel like I fit within this company...the excitement of it all has mellowed out and it's just a natural feeling now. When people ask me about my job, I can nonchalantly express my love for it. I have great health benefits, great pay (compared to the jobs back home), great people I work with, everything is just great. Great Great Great.
I am going to have to make this a quick post...imagine that. So tired I barely can keep my eyes open.
Before I close though....I have quit smoking again. Using the patch as my assistant and it's working marvelously. I have begun working out with the Slim in 6 program and changed my eating habits...getting back in shape, healthy and happy. Just like I planned.

Until next time, which hopefully will be sooner than later, goodnight.

It's been forever..and I'm delirious.

I feel really delirious writing this but I think a big part of my "weird" sick feeling I have been having is due to stress...and blogging always de-stresses me. So I am trying whatever I can. If I don't get better soon, off to the doctor I will go and see what's going on. I'm just gonna try and just get rid of it myself. :) Again...I am a bit off tonight so I could be making zero sense. Either way...here goes.

I definitely can tell what's going to happen in my life. I get vibes and intuitions and "gut feelings" and 9 times outta 10...I am right on. That's how I know I am right about my feelings on the job I am going to get soon. I don't know what the job is but I know it's the one I am supposed to get. It will be exactly the one I am ready for. I really am amazed that I can trust my intuition on some things, and ignore them on others. The gut feeling I ignored   recently I was supposed to ignore. I was supposed to trust something, someone, again. I don't know why, but eventually that reason will appear. It was great while it lasted, it was fun, I was able to open my eyes to a lot of issues I have in the emotional department. The mental department even. I have been lucky enough to have my trust and heart broken so badly, that even though I thought I was healed and ready, I, in fact, was not. Not even close. There is still quite a bit of growing and learning I have to do. There are still things I am supposed to experience before that wonderful love I am destined comes into my life. I am fine with that. I really am. I have to remember that...but still take chances. I can't lock myself up behind walls and not allow anyone in. I have to stay open, happy and free, ready for whatever comes into my life. For whoever comes into my life. I can, however, control the level I keep the things that come into my life. I can choose to allow something to develop or I can keep it as simple and basic as it can be. I am not the type of girl to go on dates. I haven't been on many in my entire life (even though I was effin engaged) and I just find them sort of uncomfortable. Maybe it's going on a date with someone I don't really know. I don't know. Just seems more awkward than anything else. I'm not a random hook-up-er, and I can't see more than one person at a time. So the possibility of me actually getting into something that will trigger my emotions is pretty low. I just want to have friends. Just be friends with people. With guys. Everything is SO much easier as friends. I have enough going on in my life...anything added to it can be easy. Within the next couple of months, I am going to be busy busy busy, working lots and making good money. I have a way of life envisioned for myself, and it does not involve being in any sort of relationship with anyone. It's me. Just me. Working hard, achieving my dreams. Me being happy. Me being healthy. Me being ME. I see myself being at the company I want to work for, making great decisions, being awesome at my job and going up on the success ladder. I can see my passion and motivation for the business showing through and getting more responsibilities learning so much and just being oh-so-awesome at my job. Gosh. The way I can see in my mind (even on a non-delirious night) is just so rad., I am so excited for it to happen. Whoo!

I have so much support from my family and friends. I have support from friends I don't talk to or see often. I don't even see a lot of my friends down here! I can tell I have been going through some stuff the past couple months because I haven't really socialized. Had a serious good time. I am definitely ready to get back out and have some fun. It's time for the fun Phaedra to come back out. 

All in all...I am happy and glad 2010 has gone the way it has. Every part of it. I am still optimistic about everything in my life. Career, happiness, love, money. All of it. I can feel the growth and can tell the things I learned so far are more valuable than I even realize. I have a few sad moments because a person who was in my life isn't anymore. I will miss that person a lot. Maybe one day it can be different, but for growing and moving on purposes, it's just gotta be this way I guess. I have my fingers crossed that one day we will be cool again. I wish things were normal and cool right now, but life's a two-way street. 

I already feel better...I really think the ill feelings are from stress. Hopefully that's all. There's other possible factors, but I like the stress one the best. That means I can make myself feel better. 

Alrighty who knows if this blog even makes sense, but it helped me. Definitely time to go to sleep. Got a nice snooze in this evening and now onto to a better tomorrow! 

It's about time for another...holy schnikees it's long.

I seriously do not mean to write novels for blogs here. They just happen. 
*I started writing this on March 8th, it is now March 17th...I have so much more to type out..but I think those thoughts are going to go somewhere else. I am going to "edit" this and post it so it's outta the draft stage. NOT a full blog..possibly a close novel, but not a full blog. :) *




I truly believe that your mindset makes your world. How you want your world to be all depends on you and your thoughts. Yes, sometimes life throws you a curve ball, and it's hard to not strike out. Life never gets you anywhere when you don't try though. I make sure every single to day to make it the best day ever. I look for something happy or positive in every single situation. Sometimes, the only positive light to a crappy situation is the lesson you will learn after it's over with. And you don't even know what the lesson is, you just know it will benefit you later in life. That's how I roll. I live with enough caution to keep me safe and healthy and taken care of, but I also put enough faith in everything I do that I know if it doesn't work out, it wasn't supposed to anyways. I still took the steps I was supposed to, went in the direction I needed to, and ended up where I was supposed to be. 

All that being said, it goes into why I have this blog. I know life has struggles, debacles, problematic conversations, problematic situations, failures, hardships, heartbreaks, fear, sadness, and so on and so on. There is always something that causes you to push through and survive, succeed, and be happy. Along with that, there is ALWAYS a light at the end of the tunnel. ALWAYS something else to think about, to focus on, to put your energy into that is not considered a "negative" something or other. Always. When it's difficult to grasp everything that I am grateful for, that's where this blog comes in. It's never really that difficult for me to be grateful for something. I have many, SO many, things in my life that are just absolutely amazing and I can't even express my gratitude for them. It literally takes me one second to put a thought into my head of something I am so amazingly happy to have in my life. Music, first and foremost. Well, okay...almost.

My family is first and foremost. Recently every time I talk to my mother and actually let her talk about her life (haha) I get the biggest smile on my face and my heart just combusts with happiness for her. I am so ecstatic that the things in her life are going in a positive direction again. She is my rock and seriously the one person I can 99.9% of the time talk to and she gets me. There are so many moments of my life that I thank everything I can possibly thank for blessing me with the mother I have. She is so amazing. When her life is happy, she really is a big sarcastic goofball, just like me. When her life is happy...I just feel so good. To know the woman who sacrificed so much of her own happiness for her children and did the right thing so her family was taken care of...to know she is now doing something for herself and happy about it...it just makes me happy. 

Dang this blog is going to be a long one. I am barely at the tip of the iceberg with this. I guess this is what I get when I don't have a post in forever. 

The rest of my family - my little sister - she and I have such a great best friend bond that will keep us so close for the rest of our lives. Our inside jokes, our secrets, our friend time, our sister time, our "trust me on this one Tiggs, I have lived through it already" times...ahah. We were meant to be sisters and I am so happy I have that girl in my life. My brothers, even though one of them is oblivious to so many of his own issues, the other one is sure a lifesaver. I had a special bond with each of my brothers at one time in my life, seems like the one I have a bond with now is the most cherished. We can be silly and serious when we need to be. Good to have a bro like that. My S.I.L. (sister in law) is a great one as well...she has helped me in so many ways while I was home. My extended family...cousins, aunts, uncles, grandma (only grandperson I got left), dad & stepmom sure...they are all important and I am so grateful for their love and support. Support from a family can fuel so much success. 

NOW - besides those family members...my wonderful little niece Emma...she really is my favorite person on the planet. Hands down. THE favorite. She and I are seriously best buds ever and we have the BEST time when we are together. I miss her more than almost anything else I could ever think of. I watch videos and look at pics of her and my heart just melts. I love that girl so dang much. I am so very very very grateful that I was able to spend about half of her life living in her house getting to build such a special bond with her. So yeah - I am uber grateful for my family.


This is where I end it. I am going to work real hard at getting one of these out more often so I am not dumping 900000 paragraphs into one post. No one, NO ONE, wants to take that long to read them. Haha. Not like it matters. I don't write them for other people to read, that just happens if it happens. 

Single Awareness Day aka Valentine's Day 2010

**Author's Note (: I realize now this blog has become a blend of my "10 things I am Grateful For" and "My Own Words" blog. Pouring my soul out as well as seeing the wonderful things in every day life to be happy about. Not the typical style like I had last year, but works just a great still the same.**

This time of year, weekend, day, whatever the eff it is, has always been an interesting one. I'll never forget back in high school walking out to my car for lunch and seeing my brother and baby sister walking IN to my school. I was shocked to see them, and they claimed they just came to say hi. I went on my way and didn't think anything of it. Later that week, I received three roses and love notes from the school Valentine's Day service. I still have the notes actually. One from my baby sister, who, if I remember correctly, was maybe about 3 or 4 years old. All she could write were smiley faces, X&O's, misshapen hearts, and stars. One from my brother, simply saying "Hope you have a good day." Last of all, one from my mom's boyfriend. My brother obviously wrote that one out from him. Yes, none of them were from someone with a romantic love for me. No, it did not matter to me .Yes, it made my day. I had previously mentioned to my family how sad I was that I never had been given a Valentine at school. Except the mandatory elementary school ones, where everyone gets one. Haha. All I know is that the people who really are most important to me showed how important I was to them. The biggest thing to them was making me feel better on the day of love. So again, it's obvious why I am so grateful for my family. Oddly enough, my mom, sister and that brother have helped me so incredibly much since I have been on this recent journey...it's hard to express my sincere appreciation and gratitude for them. I am a blessed and lucky person to have the family I do. My family isn't perfect, not in the slightest, but I wouldn't ask for anything different.

Besides that Valentine's Day, I have only had 2 other years that I celebrated with someone .Last year, I was dealing with a confused mind & a hurt heart...wishing the person I loved more than anything loved me enough to fix things and be mine for that day. It didn't happen. The two years before that, I was with the guy that I was, at one time, engaged to. Let me say, without a doubt in my mind, I would rather be single and sobbing into a quart of ice cream and a box of Oreo's watching a romantic film alone that experience either one of those two Valentine's Day again. The first one I paid for dinner, which he picked where we went. AFTER I spent a lot of money on things for the apartment we lived in together. What a fuckin first "love day" celebration. The second one with him was spent with his daughter and his family in Tri-Cities, and I had to convince him into going out on a date. Smart man he was, he didn't make a reservation anywhere and we drove around for over an hour looking for a place to eat. He freaked out and ruined the mood completely, and finally we ate at a diner and went to a movie. After we actually got to the dinner part, the night was okay. There was not much love though. I saw it and I knew it...but somehow I let the full mind block the empty heart. After the past 3 years of painfully unexciting and lack of love during this holiday, I really was excited to have a year of no drama, no debacles, and no empty heart. I should have known that having my first Valentine's Day in California would be different than any other I have had. Every other holiday I have had here has been different and memorable. Why would this one be any different? To make it perfectly clear and extremely vague at the same time, and on purpose, this was an amazingly incredible weekend for me. Actually, the whole month of February has been fantastic. But for this holiday, it reminded me of a few things. A lot of reasons to be grateful, as a matter of fact. I am grateful to have had those crappy effin experiences to be able to appreciate and be happy with being single on this day.
Also, it makes me appreciate the ones I do love and care for. There shouldn't be just ONE day where you shower your loved ones with affection and sentimental bull crap. If you love someone, or care about them, you should show it whenever you can. Yes, the extra "special" marketing items are cute, but I actually think it would be more special to have a sentimental day/night with someone who loves me on a regular day. I would feel like he actually wanted to do that, not because the day was meant for it. Like he had to. Love is something to be proud of, to keep close and to make known to those who are in your heart. Geeze...I said earlier today that when I start writing/typing/blogging, the words just flow out. I feel like I am just rambling now. I just know that love is something to be grateful for, whether it is in a romantic fashion or just with your family & friends. You never know when you will see someone again, and you would never want to take the chance of never seeing them again and having them not know how you feel.

Along with all the overrated love thoughts happening this weekend, I will admit I am so grateful for the people in my life. Again with this one, I know. It's just I would not be where I am, so close to my career goals, without these people in my life. The ones that are professionally pushing me to get there, the friends that keep my energy and spirits high, the people that just simply make me laugh or put a smile on my face. Surrounding myself with people that make me feel good keeps my positive energy and thoughts going strong. With those going strong, I get where I want to be. Every time. I have had a lot of great things come up the past month, even the past week. Work-wise, friend-wise, financially, and a few other ways.

I am consistently appreciative and grateful for my job. Now I have two jobs, and I love them both. I have been with my music job since I moved here, and gosh I love those people. No matter what, even when I get a job at WBR, I still want to work for my current music job. They are awesome people, they are fun, they are nice, they know how to get the job done in the way to be a success. They also know how to show their appreciation to me, and that is just like a repetitive cycle for us. I love working for them, even if I am doing it on my days off for free. It's fun, it's experience, and it's with people that have good, positive energy. Good people. My job at the tanning salon is great, it's fun, I get to be tan (and it's obvious how much I enjoy being tan), and I get to have a job, get a paycheck, and be busy. Be working. I get to clean, which most people know I like to do. I get to interact with new people every day, again, something I just love to do. I get to get my sales skills up to par, which will benefit my career in the long run. I know I can promote and "sell" music easily, it's my passion. To be able to learn how to sell things that I don't have a passion for is a great skill to have though. I know there will be a day I will have to sell a band and I won't like a single song or note from them. Like Nickelback. OMG if I had to sell Nickelback (Thank goodness they already have a fan base) I would have to go off the facts, charts, and records they already have. I would have to lie and rave about them like I think they are great. When really, the sound of the band gives me the chills like I just watched a werewolf rip someone to shreds. Yeah...that bad. SO (sidetracked so easily) I want to learn to sell things that are not easy to sell. Like tanning, to people who just paid a pretty penny for a package, and I get to sell them more packages and upgrades. Yeah...great skill to have, and I don't have it perfected yet. I will have every skill and task perfected one day, and that is why I will as successful as I am. Do I go all over the place when I blog? YES. These two part time jobs are keeping me in California, and able to be available when the opportunities are there for me.

I have gotten distracted by music and lyrics and other things of that nature, and now it is late. I'm sorry this blog is so random, filled with rambles and sidetracked thoughts. I cut them all short too...like wham okay I am done...even if I really do have more to talk about. Haha. I guess in a way this particular blog says I am grateful to be single during a season of marketable love, and I feel lucky to have been able to talk and spend time with the people I have recently. The new friends I have made, the people I have been talking to, all make me happy. Happiness is love. SO I celebrated the holiday in a way that suits me. And like every other blog this year, I was reminded of the things that got me here. Good or bad. Happy or sad. Love or pain. All of it. Thank you. I say thank you for all of it.
Dang...one day I will get a more simply blog out I promise. Maybe this way I am keeping people from reading them, being so confusing and all over the place like I am.

Okay okay loves loves Happy Valentine's Day. Don't forget to show your love to those who matter for the 364 days till the next one.

Well not what I expected but it's still okay....

Well...I almost don't even know how to start this blog out. I have so many things to be grateful for lately. In a weird twist...yeah. I have had an incredible month of February already. It's only 10 days into it and I feel like it's already time for it to be March. Ha could possibly be due to the fact that stupid Valentine's Day is almost upon us. I am grateful for that holiday so I can share it with all my single friends and keep everyone happy who might be down in the dumps cuz they are alone. I, personally, would rather be alone than the way I spent the last 3 V-Days...the last one I was trapped inside my own heart about the person I loved more than anything, and the two prior to that I was with my ex-fiance. Managed to pay for dinner both years too. So yeah...I'd rather be sitting here twiddling my thumbs listening to my iTunes than repeat one of those. SO I am grateful for that. I don't have to deal with relationship drama, or worry about what's going to happen, or what I am going to get him or vice versa. No worries, no drama...I'd say that's a great thing to be grateful for. I think as a girl I am allowed to say that I'd rather it just hurry and pass though. :)

Even though I have been here for almost 6 months plugging away at the dream career of mine, and have had numerous debacles, setbacks and disappointments, I am still here, still ecstatic to live here, still overjoyed with the people I have met and the friends I have made. I am grateful for every single person I have met down here. I have met some incredible people in the business, some amazing people who believe in me and want to help me achieve my goals, and some awesome friends that I think I will have for the rest of my life. I was *this* close to being hired for an incredible position at an incredible company, and for reasons beyond my control, they chose someone over me. I was in the top running though. I believe if that one person hadn't applied for the job, it would have been mine. Oddly enough, I am okay with it. I felt like that was the job for me, but obviously it wasn't. The one that I am meant to have still hasn't opened up yet, and that is the job that will take me to where I want to be career-wise. I know that. I have been working for some incredible people since I moved here. Granted, the first 3 1/2 months was interning so I wasn't getting paid, but I learned a lot and they love me there. They also believe in me, and appreciate the work I do for them. I did start getting paid at the beginning of the year to be working part time for them, and I go in and work for free when I can, just because I love it so much. I do get to learn about artist & tour managing, how to run music promotion, how to be a striving artist making it in the big world of music. It's awesome.I couldn't be more grateful for these people. They also give me a bit of consistency in my life, which I need. I haven't been able to lock down a routine of any kind since I have been here and this job has helped tremendously.  I just love it. I have had a feeling about them since I got here that I cannot leave them. Something is going to come out of working with them..I just feel it. Maybe that is why I haven't gotten a job within a larger label, a larger company. Who knows...whatever the reason...I am happy to be there. AND as if I even needed a really really awesome reason to add to all this, the music I have been introduced to is outstanding!! The artists I had never heard of, or had heard of and never listened to, I have found that I love! Lyrically, musically, all the way around.

The road to success is never easy, and if you know me, I somehow always choose the tough trail to get to my destination. I have found in the past few years that I become a better person by taking the path less traveled. I learn how to deal with issues that are not ideal, I gain strength to overcome obstacles that perhaps I once could not attempt. I see things in a different light and can step back with a neutral perspective a lot easier now. Without taking the harder route...I may not have learned the lessons I needed to learn. If I hadn't learned those, grown the way I did, perhaps I would not be where I am now. Who knows where my life could have gone...if I had taken the easy route? I am grateful for all the obstacles...the hardships..the disappointments. The heartbreaks, the failures, all of it. There are no mistakes in life, as long as you learn how to fix them and make things right.

Every time I have taken that harder path, I have always had my mother there with me. She and I have had our issues throughout our lives, but the past few years...like past five years...we have really become a great pair. Great friends...I can talk to her about anything and she can do the same with me. We can vent, we can experience happiness, we can be each other's rock when we need someone to back us up, we can just be there for each other. I really thank the universe every day for giving me the mother I got. Even through the tough times, when I treated her like crap and we both were under a lot of stress and taking it out on each other, we both learned a lot. I would never have learned those things and be the smart adult I am now without going through those battles with her. I don't think I would appreciate her as much either. Knowing now what I did not know then...I appreciate her and everything she has ever done for me. I know that because of her I will achieve every dream and goal I could ever have for myself. Once my career dreams are achieved, that dream of being a mommy and wife will happen. And I will have the kind of husband that I deserve...and I will be the best mom ever. Because I learned from one of the best. I can't wait for the day that I marry the man of my dreams (whoever that may be) and have my own kiddos running around. Family is very important in my life, and I owe that to my momma. You can go through friends, jobs, boyfriends, girlfriends...but you always have your family.

I almost feel like this blog is seriously similar to the one before it, yet the thoughts and feelings that I have writing it are completely different.
I have also been writing this while doing a multitude of other things...so I haven't been fully focused on it. I am going to just leave it as it is now...because I don't know where I want to go from here. I do know that I am still grateful for everything that has happened to me since I have been here in L.A. and I know the things I want in my life to make me happy will come when they are supposed to. The career, the love, the family...all that. When the time is right. And I am so excited for the journey...

A month into 2010...

Every day I am reminded of why I am in Los Angeles, motivated and positive my dreams will come true. Every single day I listen to music. I feel the lyrics. I am to be silly, sensitive, insightful, and connect with something different. Every day. There have been days that I will go through so many different songs, trying to find the one that my sub-conscious wants to hear. Sometimes it takes a really long time to find it. Sometimes I have to settle and listen to something else and give it another try after a short break. Even if takes a little longer at times, I always find that song. I love it when that song ends of being one I have never heard. I used to find new music or unheard tracks all the time. I fell out of that habit some time ago, and unintentionally forget how good it feels. Listening to the new talent, the new lyrics, the new melodies, everything new...it's so cool. 

That was an interesting way for me to start this blog...I can tell it's going to be a doozy.  
**Note - after writing this blog, I realized how different it came out. I didn't intend for it to be like this (aka this LONG), but it reminded me that every moment, every aspect, every ounce of my life is something to be grateful for. Yes, it's not a generic "I AM GRATEFUL FOR...." blog..but I am grateful for music, and through music I can have all of my blessings in my mind, body & soul. Right here...inside. With me. Always. Thank you.**

It's not a secret how much music means to my life. It is what led me to where I am now. It saved my life...literally. It has fueled so many emotions, it has inspired so many letters. I am reminded to be grateful every day, because I listen to music at least 75% of each day. It makes me happy, makes me feel good. Even sad songs, those tap into another part of me that I am so grateful for. Actually, depending on the day, any song can tap into many different parts of my life that I feel so blessed to have. 

The love & support I get from my family is indescribable. I know why family is so high on my list of priority and importance. There are quite a lot of successful people on this planet that didn't have supportive families on their road to success, but there are just as many or more people that achieved their dreams because of their family. To have people believe in you unconditionally (well, sometimes the conditions change & so does the support) and those people push you and help you through the tough times so you don't quit. So you achieve your dreams, your goals. So you are happy with as much of your life as possible. That's what family does. They love you. They help you. They are there for you. They make sacrifices and go above & beyond for each other. Every family has issues, quirks, awkward situations, arguments, times of need and sorrow. And yet they are always and forever family. That's what my family does. That's how my family is. I feel like more of a human being, a real person, when I am with my family. When I am doing something to help my family, or when we are laughing together, being silly together. Having heart-to-heart conversations...I am truly grateful & blessed to have the family that I do. Of course, I have my "inside jokes" and my special moments with each and everyone of my family members, and a lot of those moments have a song or two associated with them. My little sister and I can say a lyric to each other and go right back to the very instant we were singing our hearts out in the car. Or when we did the exact same dance move without even realizing it. My niece, my oh-so-wonderful niece Emma has a big attachment to music already and we can dance and sing and have a great time listening to songs. She learns the lyrics quicker than I do! Of course when I hear those songs I can't get ahold of her to reminisce, and she probably wouldn't do a great job at remembering the moment anyways. Haha. I have those memories though. I can see her dancing her little bouncy dance on my bed listening to "Day n Night"...or making me put the "Care Bear Theme Song" on over & over & over again. Or cleaning out my car and watching her dance on my seats to the songs that "my mom likes, so its my favorite song". Good thing her mom likes ghetto fabulous music. Ha Just kidding. No not really. Even on my way to the airport this last time, she was rapping along with one of the songs, and when I hear that song, (I don't even like it that much) I always get through the rap just so I can picture her in the backseat, bopping to the beat, looking out the window, rapping away...like it's just a natural thing to do. And then I have the hillbilly sounds of Willie Nelson and the smooth sounds of SunVolt and of course the King himself, Elvis, to sync with moments with my mother. She is one of the best "boppers" of her time, and has a super awesome story that goes with Elvis...I can hear one song, one name, one lyric and instantly jet back to the moments that mean so much. I don't hear songs and go back to the icky teenage days where my mother and I fought all the time and I treated her terribly. I don't think back to the days of being overweight and a typical low-self esteem teen. I go back to the good days. The good moments. The fun. The happiness. The love.


You know when you hear a song and the lyrics hit a part of your heart and it actually kind of aches? It's not a painful ache, but an ache that reminds you of a love that you once had. A time of your life when you felt happy, was in love and loved just as much. Regardless of how it ended, or if the hole in your heart is healed or not, it was a time of your life that should never be forgotten. That's why I love those songs so much. They make me think of moments that I felt so incredible. It's actually pretty easy to think of the good times, and when the bad times try to break into your mind, you just keep thinking about how you felt during the good times. I have a lot of moments from my most recent romance (most recent like this time last year recent) that are too amazing to forget. Granted, there are a lot that I have pushed out of my mind a lot but there are a lot more memories that make me smile. With my relationship back in Spokane, there were definitely a lot less good and a too many bad moments, but the good ones were with his daughter, and those I will never ever ever let go of. So those sad songs...they aren't sad. They assist me in never forgetting lessons...never forgetting the "loved" moments. The way I felt in those exact moments of love, I want to feel every day of my life. A true, genuine feeling. Every day. I get it, every day. By listening to those songs.

There is a difference between a love song and a sad song to some people. To me...they are all ballads that deserve a good listen. I call myself a sap...a sucker for love songs. I think one of my friends said I like all that "baby making music." Well I have yet to really enjoy those songs to the baby making act...so I think we can just call them ballads. I love ballads. Every style of music has them. Some are about love, or loss, or sadness, or pain. Somehow or another, I find strength in those songs. Music is what feelings sound like. So to hear someone else's feelings, and feel like they are your own...helps. Helps to grasp thoughts and feelings that are sometimes out of reach. Unexplainable emotions, feelings. Sometimes just hearing the music your thoughts can even out just enough for you to sort through them. And then there are lyrics that you hear and stop and think, "how did this person know?" exactly what you were thinking? When you didn't even know exactly what you were thinking? All those confusing thoughts & feelings jumbled up inside, trying to make sense, and all it took was one song, one album, one voice, one lyric, one note, one cord....all it took was music. Everyone has experienced heart ache, sadness, loss, negative feelings and thoughts. EVERYONE has. Everyone can relate to everyone else on that level. No one has gone through life without sorrow. The songs that are written about pain and suffering, sorrow and sadness, could have been written about some spoiled little girls life, and when she lost her hamster to the dog. Or it could be about the girl who lived a rougher life, a broken home, a broken family. It could be about losing something significant, or something so small to everyone else, but the world to you. Every time you lose something in your life, it was lost so you could fill that space with something better. Something to make your life happier. It was lost for you to grow. When you look at it that way, you can't help but love the ballads. Everything has a positive light to it, you just have to find it. Or look at it from a different angle. To at least see the other side. Everyone has a choice as to how they see & feel things...so I choose to see things in positive perspective. A learning experience. A way to grow and become better.


I don't know if my emotions are a little A.D.D. or what, but I can usually go from a sad song to one that I listened to with my girls sometime in the past decade. Listened to them and danced around the apartment before we went out. Singing like we all sounded good together, cuz we DID! Dancing in the club...getting our groove on. Spazzing in the car - errrr I mean singing & dancing in the car. The songs that bring back the moments of freedom, reckless innocence. The times where we could party every night of the week and go to work no problem the next day. Those days are certainly over for me. I can barely handle going out late and staying sober without being able to take the next night off. Haha. Those songs that I can dance to sober, and the ones I just had to listen to so I could dance, and if I didn't, I would fall asleep on my chair cuz I was so tired. The songs you just can't help but dance to. In the car, thank goodness I have tinted windows, cuz I rock out ALL the time. That's one part of the heavy traffic I like & dislike at the same time. I can jam out too all my fave songs, but when it's so slow the other drivers can see what I am doing...I don't usually rock out. I have found I sing and dance a lot more when I am by myself, which is the case with most people I think. SOME special people see my dorkiness in the car..but not many. I don't know why...maybe I am just normal. I always remember the dance moves I made up with my friends. The nights at the clubs being the only ones on the dance floor...thinking we were the hottest thing since...whatever is hot. Ha. I think back to certain songs that only remind me of driving in the car with my friends, cruising downtown. Those songs...even though they are so old, and possibly getting outdated...I still can't get rid of them. I still have to listen to them. I still have to get the flashbacks to the good ole days. "Those were the days..." they always say. Yup. And I am blessed to have most of those friends still in my life. I kept my "good ole days" close enough that they will be with me forever. I miss those friends back home...dearly. Some of the bonds we had...man...unbreakable weren't they? 


I was blessed with the passion for music, which led me to the greatest job I ever had back up in the Pacific NW. Working for the radio stations was such an experience, I will never forget the people I worked with. Ever. Even if music went away, that job will always be with me. The experiences I had, the people I met, the friends I made, the music I discovered, the direction it made my path go. I learned so much about who I was, who I am, and who I can be. Professionally and personally. I grew up finally, which may not have happened if I didn't experience those 3.5 years the way I did. I am ever so grateful for the jobs I have held in my life. Some of them seemed small and unimportant, but now the minimal duties I had actually come in handy now. To have jobs that were far from glamorous, that were just regular ho-hum jobs...those are what people NEED to have. Jobs that make them do things that are hard work. Things that are boring. Things that you may not want to do. You learn you gotta do what you gotta do. At the radio station, I learned that no matter what, certain things HAD to happen. If lines of communication got mixed up, there always is a solution. There is always a fix. And knowing how to figure that out and make sure it happens is a great skill to have. To be able to communicate with SO many different people on a daily basis, winners, clients, co-workers (ones that were liked as well as ones that were horrendously disliked). All of them a key factor in my job being done successfully. All of them necessary for me to get a paycheck. All of them a valuable tool in the company. Whether they were a positive or a negative tool, the company did benefit by learning from mistakes & successes. I was able to create the life for myself before actually getting to the checkpoint. Now that I am here, in California, pursuing my dream, I can see more of the things that took from working there. The things inside. I have better morals, better ideas, better values, better work ethic, better mentality, I can be a responsible grownup easily now. Due to what I did and learned during the past decade of working. Granted, my most recents jobs seemed to have seriously resulted in me getting where I am now, but without the others, I wouldn't have gotten where I did back home. So being grateful for every single day of work that I ever had...two days or 7 days a week. Being grateful to have the vehicles I have had to get to work. To have the homes I have had, a roof over my head, a warm house to keep from the cold, a kitchen to cook things in (ha me cook, funny I know)...all of that resulted from me working. From me being responsible. From me learning every day and growing every day. What's funny...is a SONG can make me remember ALL of that. One song. The song might change, but there is at least one song that can that take me back to the days at work. At all the different jobs I have had.
I rarely listened to a lot of rock music, but once I started working at the station, I listened to a lot more. So after my bootyshaking dance song, I can flip it to a rock song and be the air-drummer in the car...I can sing as loud as I want and it doesn't matter if I sound good or not, because there is no way I could sound good at a rock song, even if I wanted to. Those rock songs make me think about working with the kickass rock staff back home. The fun concerts, the nice bands. The egotistical bands that thought they were the shit...the ones that were so new and up&coming that they didn't know how to be anything but grateful. The music that has such incredible talent behind it...along with the rest of the musicians out there...but rock artists (drummers & guitarists mostly) to me are phenomenal to watch perform. So when I hear a song that I have seen live, I can tune myself into remember exactly what I want from that experience. I can see the musicians 100% into their music, putting their all into the performance, making sure they are pleasing the fans. 




It's funny how I can bounce from sappy love song to good solid dance hip hop song to a rock song and then to a country song and back to an old skool r&b song to a blues & soulful ballad to an 80's big hair "girls just wanna have fun" song. I can go from one song to another...rarely listening to the whole thing...before I move on to the next one. Every song reminds me of why I am here. How I got here. Who has been important in my life. The lessons I learned on this path - this journey. Many people say that the lessons you need to learn rarely come from a good experience. You have to go through hardships and rough times to become a stronger and better person. You have to overcome difficulties and stay persistent with your dreams. Never give up on something you can't live a day without. Unless its drugs or alcohol or gambling or a bad addiction of some kind. I can never ever give up on music. Music helps me, my mind, my soul in so many ways. I am grateful for every step of the way that got me to here, right now...I am going to start working next week and this journey has been rough, and there is always a curve you can't see beyond, but I am ready for what's beyond the mountains. Beyond the curves in the road. Past the detours...I am ready for it all.

It's kind of funny, at my church, Rev. Michael Bernard Beckwith pointed out that when you are in a high state of confusion, there is something old dying and something new being born. An idea, a thought, something in your life is transitioning. For me, when I am in a state of high confusion, music calms the waves. Opens the space up and lets things work themselves out. I can go to Malibu and sit on the beach and let my mind calm itself, but there is always music playing. I can sit in my room alone with music in my ears and the chaos settles. It's almost like music released it from whatever it was and let it be. Just let it be. Instead of over analyzing everything, running things through my head a millions times, allowing the confusion to overcome...music just lets it be. 

Soooooo yeah. I knew I had a lot to get out, but I manage to surprise myself every time I start writing...

It's not as consistant as it once was...

I used to do these every night...I wonder if that could be part of my issues I was having. Obviously, things are going MUCH better than they were when I quit writing these every night. Funny..when I started talking to that guy who lives in Spokane...that's about the time things started to go downhill. Shortly afterwards I got into a car accident, didn't get the job I was so sure I was going to get, among other things. SO many things hit the shitter after I was talking to him. Then, amazingly enough, the moment I decided to quit talking to him, *wham* things started getting better. Instantly. I should've just stuck with the things that treated me good...made me feel good. Anyway...things are definitely in a better state of living now. I have a great job working part time for the company I was interning at. Actually getting paid for my work now..WHOOHOO! Learning how to be a tour manager and getting that part of my career going. I 100% want to be a tour manager...live life on the road...be busy 19 hours of every day...working on days I am not on the road...planning for the next road adventure. I know working for this artist & company is going to get me where I want to be career-wise. I came down here to pursue a job in the biz, but I had no idea what exactly that job was. I knew I just wanted to be in it. Now...I know what I want to do. For a fact. It will take some learning and hard work, but I will get there. By the end of this year, 2010, I will be a full on tour manager and a successful one at that. Not many women are tour managers nowadays, but I will be one. And one of the best. I said LONG ago...I won't be famous...but artists will know my name and when they hear someone works with me...others will say "dang...you got Phaedra to be your manager. how'd ya do it?" yeah...I'm gonna be THAT good at my job. All because I love what I do...what I am going to do...who I work with...where I live...the people I get to meet. I meet new people all the time and some of them are ones that are great contacts and networking people, others are great new friends. All of them I am grateful for being able to meet and stay in touch with. They are all a part of my success down here. Even the friends that I don't talk to much...are all so wonderful and I am glad I have them.
I have been trying to lay low lately...stick to the job hunt really hard...not party and go out too much. I do need to go out and about and meet more people..go to more events that my new friends have..and I really am going to try to do that. Every once in a while I can allow myself to go out and really let loose, but mostly I want to go out, meet people, STAY SOBER and leave a good impression that will contribute to my future success. Yes...that is what I want to do. And I will do it.
One of my good friends, Maire, moved back to Boise recently and she was a good friend that I am glad I met here. I am very sad she is gone...but having her as a friend is still here. :) AND she quit her job, which left an opening that I can fill. At a tanning salon..which will help me in SO many ways. I will have a job, a paycheck, be able to be flexible and stay at my t.m. assistant job, and I will get a tan! Whoa...what could be better than that? Ooooh maybe being a manager at the salon. That is a possibility, and that would be ideal ideal ideal. I will be able to have a consistent life, be financially stable, be learning and growing in my career dreams...and throughout all that, be able to join a gym, get fit and afford to eat healthy and learn how to cook..so my confidence will go up...and I will be all around a happier person. Not that I am not a happy person now. I am incredibly happy with my life and everything, everyone, in it. I just know that with a job and a healthy body & lifestyle...I would have no reason to be unhappy. Ever.
Although...the factor of love could possibly be a cause of unhappiness...if I let it. I know I am madly, 100% in love with one man. He knows it. I think a lot of people know it. I am pretty sure he is just as in love with me as I am with him...but unfortunately...the timing is off. It has been off our whole lives...well...while we have known each other. I don't know what will happen in the end with us, but I can hope fate will put us together where we need to be. If not, well, I know fate will have someone else in mind for both of us. And that would be okay. Not really what I am looking forward to, but I can't be disappointed if it doesn't work out. I can only be happy with what we have now, which is an incredible friendship that has no expectations..which leaves no room for disappointment. We can enjoy each other's conversation, our love and random visits with each other. However long those last...a season, a lifetime, forever or a year...is fine with me. I would love it if we could be together though. I really would. I think I honestly would be THE happiest person on the planet if he & I could be together...and my career dreams turn out the way I plan...and I am a healthy, fit person. That would be like a full on fairy tale dream come true. Really..it would. I am grateful for the feelings he gives me...just for him...to be in my life. So grateful.

Until the time passes and that dream comes true...I am happy to be happy with what I have. My friends, back home and here...I feel the love & support all the time. JoDee...oh my JoDee. I will be forever in debt to you. The things you have helped me with since I have been here...I can't even describe my gratitude. I am definitely going to have to hook you up with cool shit when I achieve that dream of mine.

I am grateful to be living down here...with the rain, hail and slight flooding...scary and crazy but still so happy to be here. I am so glad to be here. I just love it here. I would love it if that guy I love so much would move here and live here with me...then we could be in beautiful sunshine...OOOH wouldn't it be cool if we could live here and in Idaho? Then we could go back and forth..him with his traveling physical therapist job and me with my tour manager job? OH that sounds almost perfect. Here during the winter...there during the summer. NICE NICE NICE.

I am grateful to have my car & my computer. It's nice to have the case for the comp and be able to take it with me wherever I go. I would like to know how to use my phone as a modem though...then I could use it anywhere. Whoooa how cool would I be. haha.

I really am most grateful for everyone and everything in my life. It's pretty much all the way around rad. I am so excited for what 2010 has in store for me. I got the feeling its gonna be my best year ever. Eva eva...
I guess this wasn't a typical blog for what I am grateful for, but it sure felt good to get it all out. To think about the things in my life that are just amazing. Recently...the things that have happened are what came to mind...even though I am grateful for so much more. Seems like lately when I start writing, or typing, it all just comes out. I can't even stop the words. I like it. Maybe I should try to do a blog once a week or so...gives me more to talk about and more that needs to get outta my system. That's kinda cool.

*Author's note - I actually learned a few more pieces to the tour manager dream and depending on who I would work for - I may or may not want to be that. I have a great opportunity I am waiting to hear back on, and if it works out like I think it will, I won't be managing bands. I will be blissfully busy and doing what I am good at.* 

Wholy Heckin A - it's been almost 2 months!!

Been almost two months since my last post? That is sad. I guess it's cuz my computer was in the shop for a good month and a half. No excuse still...but it's time to get back into action. The past couple of months have had quite a few turns and up and downs. I definitely am ready for what 2010 has for me. It's gonna be a great year. I know it. I came to L.A. in September to achieve my career goals and dreams, and by golly, that is what I am going to do. It is time for me to get back into the habit of the way I was when I got here. The momentum was incredible and when I got into the car accident, the momentum slowed. The Law of Attraction and the positive flow of energy is back! YeahYeahYeah!

So! Here we go!

I have so many different things I am grateful for. My family...oh my wonderful family. I had 3 weeks home with them over the holidays, and I just LOVE my family. My mom, my sister, my brother, my wonderful magnificent niece Emma...all of my family is just incredible. I am so blessed to have the love & support of them.

My internship turned into a job! I am so grateful to be connected with them! I love the people I work with, and they have been leading me in the right direction! I am getting experience that is so valuable. I have been working with them for about 4 months and the things that are coming up in the next couple months are going to be just awesome. Whoo!

My friends. The friends I have down here are just great. My JoDee...my roomies. Maire..even though she is moving back to Boise. The new friends I have made even since being back from the holiday vacay. I feel so lucky to have the friends in my life...

My friends back home are something to be counted as well. I was only able to see a handful of friends while I was there, and the ones I didn't get to see I feel sad I missed. The short period of time I got to spend with the few friends I did, well, that was all something I needed. I needed that love & support from those who will be my friends forever. I did miss some other "forever" friends, and I am sorry to you. Next time the vehicle situation will be better. :)

I am 100% grateful that I live in California. I am so glad I moved here! The weather, the smoggy air, the busy backed up traffic. All of it. It's just amazing. I feel like such a different person being able to thrive in the world down here. I am able to accomplish my dreams and not be in a snow or brrrr cold environment. :) Yay for sunshine!

I am so so so so so grateful to have my computer and my car back. The moment I got back into Cali from my vacation things started to go in the direction I want them to. I got my car back the very next morning, I got my computer back within 3 days after being back.

I really am grateful for the job opportunities that have opened up as well. They are slow but they are happening. Times are tough, but I am tougher. If the past few months were hard to get by, soon enough the struggle and effort is going to pay off. I will be a busy bee again. Working a lot, staying busy. Being happy. So great to be the type of person who would rather be busy every day of the week, working as much as possible. I like being busy. Having nothing to do is boring. It's so easy to get distracted when you have nothing to focus on. :) Yay for the times-a-changing.

I am grateful for my health, my strength and the path of fitness & healthy lifestyle that 2010 is going to bring for me.

I am SO incredibly grateful that my mother suggested the Agape Spiritual Center. for me to attend. I haven't gone every Sunday but I have gone as often as I can. I want to make it an every Sunday thing for me. Rev. Michael Bernard Beckwith has great wisdom and energy. It's amazing. Using the Law of Attraction is something that everyone can do if they put their mind to it, and I know have the ability to use my words to my benefit. I rarely allow a negative word or phrase come out of my mouth. The learning and growth that I can go through just by attending Agape is outstanding.

Hmmm I am grateful for every moment of every day. I am grateful to have the comfort and peace in my room in my house. I am grateful to have the humor and fun attitude with so many things. I am grateful to have the passion and the energy to achieve greatness whatever I do. I am grateful to have people believe in me. I am grateful for every person I have met down here that has led me in the direction I am meant to go in. I am grateful for the wonderful clothes & shoes my mom bought me. They are cute, classy and fashionable. I am grateful for my sense of "Cali" style to start progressing. I am grateful for pretty much everything...everything in my life. Life is Good...just like the company says. Life is Good.