It's been forever..and I'm delirious.

I feel really delirious writing this but I think a big part of my "weird" sick feeling I have been having is due to stress...and blogging always de-stresses me. So I am trying whatever I can. If I don't get better soon, off to the doctor I will go and see what's going on. I'm just gonna try and just get rid of it myself. :) Again...I am a bit off tonight so I could be making zero sense. Either way...here goes.

I definitely can tell what's going to happen in my life. I get vibes and intuitions and "gut feelings" and 9 times outta 10...I am right on. That's how I know I am right about my feelings on the job I am going to get soon. I don't know what the job is but I know it's the one I am supposed to get. It will be exactly the one I am ready for. I really am amazed that I can trust my intuition on some things, and ignore them on others. The gut feeling I ignored   recently I was supposed to ignore. I was supposed to trust something, someone, again. I don't know why, but eventually that reason will appear. It was great while it lasted, it was fun, I was able to open my eyes to a lot of issues I have in the emotional department. The mental department even. I have been lucky enough to have my trust and heart broken so badly, that even though I thought I was healed and ready, I, in fact, was not. Not even close. There is still quite a bit of growing and learning I have to do. There are still things I am supposed to experience before that wonderful love I am destined comes into my life. I am fine with that. I really am. I have to remember that...but still take chances. I can't lock myself up behind walls and not allow anyone in. I have to stay open, happy and free, ready for whatever comes into my life. For whoever comes into my life. I can, however, control the level I keep the things that come into my life. I can choose to allow something to develop or I can keep it as simple and basic as it can be. I am not the type of girl to go on dates. I haven't been on many in my entire life (even though I was effin engaged) and I just find them sort of uncomfortable. Maybe it's going on a date with someone I don't really know. I don't know. Just seems more awkward than anything else. I'm not a random hook-up-er, and I can't see more than one person at a time. So the possibility of me actually getting into something that will trigger my emotions is pretty low. I just want to have friends. Just be friends with people. With guys. Everything is SO much easier as friends. I have enough going on in my life...anything added to it can be easy. Within the next couple of months, I am going to be busy busy busy, working lots and making good money. I have a way of life envisioned for myself, and it does not involve being in any sort of relationship with anyone. It's me. Just me. Working hard, achieving my dreams. Me being happy. Me being healthy. Me being ME. I see myself being at the company I want to work for, making great decisions, being awesome at my job and going up on the success ladder. I can see my passion and motivation for the business showing through and getting more responsibilities learning so much and just being oh-so-awesome at my job. Gosh. The way I can see in my mind (even on a non-delirious night) is just so rad., I am so excited for it to happen. Whoo!

I have so much support from my family and friends. I have support from friends I don't talk to or see often. I don't even see a lot of my friends down here! I can tell I have been going through some stuff the past couple months because I haven't really socialized. Had a serious good time. I am definitely ready to get back out and have some fun. It's time for the fun Phaedra to come back out. 

All in all...I am happy and glad 2010 has gone the way it has. Every part of it. I am still optimistic about everything in my life. Career, happiness, love, money. All of it. I can feel the growth and can tell the things I learned so far are more valuable than I even realize. I have a few sad moments because a person who was in my life isn't anymore. I will miss that person a lot. Maybe one day it can be different, but for growing and moving on purposes, it's just gotta be this way I guess. I have my fingers crossed that one day we will be cool again. I wish things were normal and cool right now, but life's a two-way street. 

I already feel better...I really think the ill feelings are from stress. Hopefully that's all. There's other possible factors, but I like the stress one the best. That means I can make myself feel better. 

Alrighty who knows if this blog even makes sense, but it helped me. Definitely time to go to sleep. Got a nice snooze in this evening and now onto to a better tomorrow! 

It's about time for another...holy schnikees it's long.

I seriously do not mean to write novels for blogs here. They just happen. 
*I started writing this on March 8th, it is now March 17th...I have so much more to type out..but I think those thoughts are going to go somewhere else. I am going to "edit" this and post it so it's outta the draft stage. NOT a full blog..possibly a close novel, but not a full blog. :) *




I truly believe that your mindset makes your world. How you want your world to be all depends on you and your thoughts. Yes, sometimes life throws you a curve ball, and it's hard to not strike out. Life never gets you anywhere when you don't try though. I make sure every single to day to make it the best day ever. I look for something happy or positive in every single situation. Sometimes, the only positive light to a crappy situation is the lesson you will learn after it's over with. And you don't even know what the lesson is, you just know it will benefit you later in life. That's how I roll. I live with enough caution to keep me safe and healthy and taken care of, but I also put enough faith in everything I do that I know if it doesn't work out, it wasn't supposed to anyways. I still took the steps I was supposed to, went in the direction I needed to, and ended up where I was supposed to be. 

All that being said, it goes into why I have this blog. I know life has struggles, debacles, problematic conversations, problematic situations, failures, hardships, heartbreaks, fear, sadness, and so on and so on. There is always something that causes you to push through and survive, succeed, and be happy. Along with that, there is ALWAYS a light at the end of the tunnel. ALWAYS something else to think about, to focus on, to put your energy into that is not considered a "negative" something or other. Always. When it's difficult to grasp everything that I am grateful for, that's where this blog comes in. It's never really that difficult for me to be grateful for something. I have many, SO many, things in my life that are just absolutely amazing and I can't even express my gratitude for them. It literally takes me one second to put a thought into my head of something I am so amazingly happy to have in my life. Music, first and foremost. Well, okay...almost.

My family is first and foremost. Recently every time I talk to my mother and actually let her talk about her life (haha) I get the biggest smile on my face and my heart just combusts with happiness for her. I am so ecstatic that the things in her life are going in a positive direction again. She is my rock and seriously the one person I can 99.9% of the time talk to and she gets me. There are so many moments of my life that I thank everything I can possibly thank for blessing me with the mother I have. She is so amazing. When her life is happy, she really is a big sarcastic goofball, just like me. When her life is happy...I just feel so good. To know the woman who sacrificed so much of her own happiness for her children and did the right thing so her family was taken care of...to know she is now doing something for herself and happy about it...it just makes me happy. 

Dang this blog is going to be a long one. I am barely at the tip of the iceberg with this. I guess this is what I get when I don't have a post in forever. 

The rest of my family - my little sister - she and I have such a great best friend bond that will keep us so close for the rest of our lives. Our inside jokes, our secrets, our friend time, our sister time, our "trust me on this one Tiggs, I have lived through it already" times...ahah. We were meant to be sisters and I am so happy I have that girl in my life. My brothers, even though one of them is oblivious to so many of his own issues, the other one is sure a lifesaver. I had a special bond with each of my brothers at one time in my life, seems like the one I have a bond with now is the most cherished. We can be silly and serious when we need to be. Good to have a bro like that. My S.I.L. (sister in law) is a great one as well...she has helped me in so many ways while I was home. My extended family...cousins, aunts, uncles, grandma (only grandperson I got left), dad & stepmom sure...they are all important and I am so grateful for their love and support. Support from a family can fuel so much success. 

NOW - besides those family members...my wonderful little niece Emma...she really is my favorite person on the planet. Hands down. THE favorite. She and I are seriously best buds ever and we have the BEST time when we are together. I miss her more than almost anything else I could ever think of. I watch videos and look at pics of her and my heart just melts. I love that girl so dang much. I am so very very very grateful that I was able to spend about half of her life living in her house getting to build such a special bond with her. So yeah - I am uber grateful for my family.


This is where I end it. I am going to work real hard at getting one of these out more often so I am not dumping 900000 paragraphs into one post. No one, NO ONE, wants to take that long to read them. Haha. Not like it matters. I don't write them for other people to read, that just happens if it happens.