**Author's Note (: I realize now this blog has become a blend of my "10 things I am Grateful For" and "My Own Words" blog. Pouring my soul out as well as seeing the wonderful things in every day life to be happy about. Not the typical style like I had last year, but works just a great still the same.**
This time of year, weekend, day, whatever the eff it is, has always been an interesting one. I'll never forget back in high school walking out to my car for lunch and seeing my brother and baby sister walking IN to my school. I was shocked to see them, and they claimed they just came to say hi. I went on my way and didn't think anything of it. Later that week, I received three roses and love notes from the school Valentine's Day service. I still have the notes actually. One from my baby sister, who, if I remember correctly, was maybe about 3 or 4 years old. All she could write were smiley faces, X&O's, misshapen hearts, and stars. One from my brother, simply saying "Hope you have a good day." Last of all, one from my mom's boyfriend. My brother obviously wrote that one out from him. Yes, none of them were from someone with a romantic love for me. No, it did not matter to me .Yes, it made my day. I had previously mentioned to my family how sad I was that I never had been given a Valentine at school. Except the mandatory elementary school ones, where everyone gets one. Haha. All I know is that the people who really are most important to me showed how important I was to them. The biggest thing to them was making me feel better on the day of love. So again, it's obvious why I am so grateful for my family. Oddly enough, my mom, sister and that brother have helped me so incredibly much since I have been on this recent journey...it's hard to express my sincere appreciation and gratitude for them. I am a blessed and lucky person to have the family I do. My family isn't perfect, not in the slightest, but I wouldn't ask for anything different.
Besides that Valentine's Day, I have only had 2 other years that I celebrated with someone .Last year, I was dealing with a confused mind & a hurt heart...wishing the person I loved more than anything loved me enough to fix things and be mine for that day. It didn't happen. The two years before that, I was with the guy that I was, at one time, engaged to. Let me say, without a doubt in my mind, I would rather be single and sobbing into a quart of ice cream and a box of Oreo's watching a romantic film alone that experience either one of those two Valentine's Day again. The first one I paid for dinner, which he picked where we went. AFTER I spent a lot of money on things for the apartment we lived in together. What a fuckin first "love day" celebration. The second one with him was spent with his daughter and his family in Tri-Cities, and I had to convince him into going out on a date. Smart man he was, he didn't make a reservation anywhere and we drove around for over an hour looking for a place to eat. He freaked out and ruined the mood completely, and finally we ate at a diner and went to a movie. After we actually got to the dinner part, the night was okay. There was not much love though. I saw it and I knew it...but somehow I let the full mind block the empty heart. After the past 3 years of painfully unexciting and lack of love during this holiday, I really was excited to have a year of no drama, no debacles, and no empty heart. I should have known that having my first Valentine's Day in California would be different than any other I have had. Every other holiday I have had here has been different and memorable. Why would this one be any different? To make it perfectly clear and extremely vague at the same time, and on purpose, this was an amazingly incredible weekend for me. Actually, the whole month of February has been fantastic. But for this holiday, it reminded me of a few things. A lot of reasons to be grateful, as a matter of fact. I am grateful to have had those crappy effin experiences to be able to appreciate and be happy with being single on this day.
Also, it makes me appreciate the ones I do love and care for. There shouldn't be just ONE day where you shower your loved ones with affection and sentimental bull crap. If you love someone, or care about them, you should show it whenever you can. Yes, the extra "special" marketing items are cute, but I actually think it would be more special to have a sentimental day/night with someone who loves me on a regular day. I would feel like he actually wanted to do that, not because the day was meant for it. Like he had to. Love is something to be proud of, to keep close and to make known to those who are in your heart. Geeze...I said earlier today that when I start writing/typing/blogging, the words just flow out. I feel like I am just rambling now. I just know that love is something to be grateful for, whether it is in a romantic fashion or just with your family & friends. You never know when you will see someone again, and you would never want to take the chance of never seeing them again and having them not know how you feel.
Along with all the overrated love thoughts happening this weekend, I will admit I am so grateful for the people in my life. Again with this one, I know. It's just I would not be where I am, so close to my career goals, without these people in my life. The ones that are professionally pushing me to get there, the friends that keep my energy and spirits high, the people that just simply make me laugh or put a smile on my face. Surrounding myself with people that make me feel good keeps my positive energy and thoughts going strong. With those going strong, I get where I want to be. Every time. I have had a lot of great things come up the past month, even the past week. Work-wise, friend-wise, financially, and a few other ways.
I am consistently appreciative and grateful for my job. Now I have two jobs, and I love them both. I have been with my music job since I moved here, and gosh I love those people. No matter what, even when I get a job at WBR, I still want to work for my current music job. They are awesome people, they are fun, they are nice, they know how to get the job done in the way to be a success. They also know how to show their appreciation to me, and that is just like a repetitive cycle for us. I love working for them, even if I am doing it on my days off for free. It's fun, it's experience, and it's with people that have good, positive energy. Good people. My job at the tanning salon is great, it's fun, I get to be tan (and it's obvious how much I enjoy being tan), and I get to have a job, get a paycheck, and be busy. Be working. I get to clean, which most people know I like to do. I get to interact with new people every day, again, something I just love to do. I get to get my sales skills up to par, which will benefit my career in the long run. I know I can promote and "sell" music easily, it's my passion. To be able to learn how to sell things that I don't have a passion for is a great skill to have though. I know there will be a day I will have to sell a band and I won't like a single song or note from them. Like Nickelback. OMG if I had to sell Nickelback (Thank goodness they already have a fan base) I would have to go off the facts, charts, and records they already have. I would have to lie and rave about them like I think they are great. When really, the sound of the band gives me the chills like I just watched a werewolf rip someone to shreds. Yeah...that bad. SO (sidetracked so easily) I want to learn to sell things that are not easy to sell. Like tanning, to people who just paid a pretty penny for a package, and I get to sell them more packages and upgrades. Yeah...great skill to have, and I don't have it perfected yet. I will have every skill and task perfected one day, and that is why I will as successful as I am. Do I go all over the place when I blog? YES. These two part time jobs are keeping me in California, and able to be available when the opportunities are there for me.
I have gotten distracted by music and lyrics and other things of that nature, and now it is late. I'm sorry this blog is so random, filled with rambles and sidetracked thoughts. I cut them all short too...like wham okay I am done...even if I really do have more to talk about. Haha. I guess in a way this particular blog says I am grateful to be single during a season of marketable love, and I feel lucky to have been able to talk and spend time with the people I have recently. The new friends I have made, the people I have been talking to, all make me happy. Happiness is love. SO I celebrated the holiday in a way that suits me. And like every other blog this year, I was reminded of the things that got me here. Good or bad. Happy or sad. Love or pain. All of it. Thank you. I say thank you for all of it.
Dang...one day I will get a more simply blog out I promise. Maybe this way I am keeping people from reading them, being so confusing and all over the place like I am.
Okay okay loves loves Happy Valentine's Day. Don't forget to show your love to those who matter for the 364 days till the next one.
Monday, February 15, 2010
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Well not what I expected but it's still okay....
Well...I almost don't even know how to start this blog out. I have so many things to be grateful for lately. In a weird twist...yeah. I have had an incredible month of February already. It's only 10 days into it and I feel like it's already time for it to be March. Ha could possibly be due to the fact that stupid Valentine's Day is almost upon us. I am grateful for that holiday so I can share it with all my single friends and keep everyone happy who might be down in the dumps cuz they are alone. I, personally, would rather be alone than the way I spent the last 3 V-Days...the last one I was trapped inside my own heart about the person I loved more than anything, and the two prior to that I was with my ex-fiance. Managed to pay for dinner both years too. So yeah...I'd rather be sitting here twiddling my thumbs listening to my iTunes than repeat one of those. SO I am grateful for that. I don't have to deal with relationship drama, or worry about what's going to happen, or what I am going to get him or vice versa. No worries, no drama...I'd say that's a great thing to be grateful for. I think as a girl I am allowed to say that I'd rather it just hurry and pass though. :)
Even though I have been here for almost 6 months plugging away at the dream career of mine, and have had numerous debacles, setbacks and disappointments, I am still here, still ecstatic to live here, still overjoyed with the people I have met and the friends I have made. I am grateful for every single person I have met down here. I have met some incredible people in the business, some amazing people who believe in me and want to help me achieve my goals, and some awesome friends that I think I will have for the rest of my life. I was *this* close to being hired for an incredible position at an incredible company, and for reasons beyond my control, they chose someone over me. I was in the top running though. I believe if that one person hadn't applied for the job, it would have been mine. Oddly enough, I am okay with it. I felt like that was the job for me, but obviously it wasn't. The one that I am meant to have still hasn't opened up yet, and that is the job that will take me to where I want to be career-wise. I know that. I have been working for some incredible people since I moved here. Granted, the first 3 1/2 months was interning so I wasn't getting paid, but I learned a lot and they love me there. They also believe in me, and appreciate the work I do for them. I did start getting paid at the beginning of the year to be working part time for them, and I go in and work for free when I can, just because I love it so much. I do get to learn about artist & tour managing, how to run music promotion, how to be a striving artist making it in the big world of music. It's awesome.I couldn't be more grateful for these people. They also give me a bit of consistency in my life, which I need. I haven't been able to lock down a routine of any kind since I have been here and this job has helped tremendously. I just love it. I have had a feeling about them since I got here that I cannot leave them. Something is going to come out of working with them..I just feel it. Maybe that is why I haven't gotten a job within a larger label, a larger company. Who knows...whatever the reason...I am happy to be there. AND as if I even needed a really really awesome reason to add to all this, the music I have been introduced to is outstanding!! The artists I had never heard of, or had heard of and never listened to, I have found that I love! Lyrically, musically, all the way around.
The road to success is never easy, and if you know me, I somehow always choose the tough trail to get to my destination. I have found in the past few years that I become a better person by taking the path less traveled. I learn how to deal with issues that are not ideal, I gain strength to overcome obstacles that perhaps I once could not attempt. I see things in a different light and can step back with a neutral perspective a lot easier now. Without taking the harder route...I may not have learned the lessons I needed to learn. If I hadn't learned those, grown the way I did, perhaps I would not be where I am now. Who knows where my life could have gone...if I had taken the easy route? I am grateful for all the obstacles...the hardships..the disappointments. The heartbreaks, the failures, all of it. There are no mistakes in life, as long as you learn how to fix them and make things right.
Every time I have taken that harder path, I have always had my mother there with me. She and I have had our issues throughout our lives, but the past few years...like past five years...we have really become a great pair. Great friends...I can talk to her about anything and she can do the same with me. We can vent, we can experience happiness, we can be each other's rock when we need someone to back us up, we can just be there for each other. I really thank the universe every day for giving me the mother I got. Even through the tough times, when I treated her like crap and we both were under a lot of stress and taking it out on each other, we both learned a lot. I would never have learned those things and be the smart adult I am now without going through those battles with her. I don't think I would appreciate her as much either. Knowing now what I did not know then...I appreciate her and everything she has ever done for me. I know that because of her I will achieve every dream and goal I could ever have for myself. Once my career dreams are achieved, that dream of being a mommy and wife will happen. And I will have the kind of husband that I deserve...and I will be the best mom ever. Because I learned from one of the best. I can't wait for the day that I marry the man of my dreams (whoever that may be) and have my own kiddos running around. Family is very important in my life, and I owe that to my momma. You can go through friends, jobs, boyfriends, girlfriends...but you always have your family.
I almost feel like this blog is seriously similar to the one before it, yet the thoughts and feelings that I have writing it are completely different.
I have also been writing this while doing a multitude of other things...so I haven't been fully focused on it. I am going to just leave it as it is now...because I don't know where I want to go from here. I do know that I am still grateful for everything that has happened to me since I have been here in L.A. and I know the things I want in my life to make me happy will come when they are supposed to. The career, the love, the family...all that. When the time is right. And I am so excited for the journey...
Even though I have been here for almost 6 months plugging away at the dream career of mine, and have had numerous debacles, setbacks and disappointments, I am still here, still ecstatic to live here, still overjoyed with the people I have met and the friends I have made. I am grateful for every single person I have met down here. I have met some incredible people in the business, some amazing people who believe in me and want to help me achieve my goals, and some awesome friends that I think I will have for the rest of my life. I was *this* close to being hired for an incredible position at an incredible company, and for reasons beyond my control, they chose someone over me. I was in the top running though. I believe if that one person hadn't applied for the job, it would have been mine. Oddly enough, I am okay with it. I felt like that was the job for me, but obviously it wasn't. The one that I am meant to have still hasn't opened up yet, and that is the job that will take me to where I want to be career-wise. I know that. I have been working for some incredible people since I moved here. Granted, the first 3 1/2 months was interning so I wasn't getting paid, but I learned a lot and they love me there. They also believe in me, and appreciate the work I do for them. I did start getting paid at the beginning of the year to be working part time for them, and I go in and work for free when I can, just because I love it so much. I do get to learn about artist & tour managing, how to run music promotion, how to be a striving artist making it in the big world of music. It's awesome.I couldn't be more grateful for these people. They also give me a bit of consistency in my life, which I need. I haven't been able to lock down a routine of any kind since I have been here and this job has helped tremendously. I just love it. I have had a feeling about them since I got here that I cannot leave them. Something is going to come out of working with them..I just feel it. Maybe that is why I haven't gotten a job within a larger label, a larger company. Who knows...whatever the reason...I am happy to be there. AND as if I even needed a really really awesome reason to add to all this, the music I have been introduced to is outstanding!! The artists I had never heard of, or had heard of and never listened to, I have found that I love! Lyrically, musically, all the way around.
The road to success is never easy, and if you know me, I somehow always choose the tough trail to get to my destination. I have found in the past few years that I become a better person by taking the path less traveled. I learn how to deal with issues that are not ideal, I gain strength to overcome obstacles that perhaps I once could not attempt. I see things in a different light and can step back with a neutral perspective a lot easier now. Without taking the harder route...I may not have learned the lessons I needed to learn. If I hadn't learned those, grown the way I did, perhaps I would not be where I am now. Who knows where my life could have gone...if I had taken the easy route? I am grateful for all the obstacles...the hardships..the disappointments. The heartbreaks, the failures, all of it. There are no mistakes in life, as long as you learn how to fix them and make things right.
Every time I have taken that harder path, I have always had my mother there with me. She and I have had our issues throughout our lives, but the past few years...like past five years...we have really become a great pair. Great friends...I can talk to her about anything and she can do the same with me. We can vent, we can experience happiness, we can be each other's rock when we need someone to back us up, we can just be there for each other. I really thank the universe every day for giving me the mother I got. Even through the tough times, when I treated her like crap and we both were under a lot of stress and taking it out on each other, we both learned a lot. I would never have learned those things and be the smart adult I am now without going through those battles with her. I don't think I would appreciate her as much either. Knowing now what I did not know then...I appreciate her and everything she has ever done for me. I know that because of her I will achieve every dream and goal I could ever have for myself. Once my career dreams are achieved, that dream of being a mommy and wife will happen. And I will have the kind of husband that I deserve...and I will be the best mom ever. Because I learned from one of the best. I can't wait for the day that I marry the man of my dreams (whoever that may be) and have my own kiddos running around. Family is very important in my life, and I owe that to my momma. You can go through friends, jobs, boyfriends, girlfriends...but you always have your family.
I almost feel like this blog is seriously similar to the one before it, yet the thoughts and feelings that I have writing it are completely different.
I have also been writing this while doing a multitude of other things...so I haven't been fully focused on it. I am going to just leave it as it is now...because I don't know where I want to go from here. I do know that I am still grateful for everything that has happened to me since I have been here in L.A. and I know the things I want in my life to make me happy will come when they are supposed to. The career, the love, the family...all that. When the time is right. And I am so excited for the journey...
Thursday, February 4, 2010
A month into 2010...
Every day I am reminded of why I am in Los Angeles, motivated and positive my dreams will come true. Every single day I listen to music. I feel the lyrics. I am to be silly, sensitive, insightful, and connect with something different. Every day. There have been days that I will go through so many different songs, trying to find the one that my sub-conscious wants to hear. Sometimes it takes a really long time to find it. Sometimes I have to settle and listen to something else and give it another try after a short break. Even if takes a little longer at times, I always find that song. I love it when that song ends of being one I have never heard. I used to find new music or unheard tracks all the time. I fell out of that habit some time ago, and unintentionally forget how good it feels. Listening to the new talent, the new lyrics, the new melodies, everything new...it's so cool.
That was an interesting way for me to start this blog...I can tell it's going to be a doozy.
**Note - after writing this blog, I realized how different it came out. I didn't intend for it to be like this (aka this LONG), but it reminded me that every moment, every aspect, every ounce of my life is something to be grateful for. Yes, it's not a generic "I AM GRATEFUL FOR...." blog..but I am grateful for music, and through music I can have all of my blessings in my mind, body & soul. Right here...inside. With me. Always. Thank you.**
It's not a secret how much music means to my life. It is what led me to where I am now. It saved my life...literally. It has fueled so many emotions, it has inspired so many letters. I am reminded to be grateful every day, because I listen to music at least 75% of each day. It makes me happy, makes me feel good. Even sad songs, those tap into another part of me that I am so grateful for. Actually, depending on the day, any song can tap into many different parts of my life that I feel so blessed to have.
The love & support I get from my family is indescribable. I know why family is so high on my list of priority and importance. There are quite a lot of successful people on this planet that didn't have supportive families on their road to success, but there are just as many or more people that achieved their dreams because of their family. To have people believe in you unconditionally (well, sometimes the conditions change & so does the support) and those people push you and help you through the tough times so you don't quit. So you achieve your dreams, your goals. So you are happy with as much of your life as possible. That's what family does. They love you. They help you. They are there for you. They make sacrifices and go above & beyond for each other. Every family has issues, quirks, awkward situations, arguments, times of need and sorrow. And yet they are always and forever family. That's what my family does. That's how my family is. I feel like more of a human being, a real person, when I am with my family. When I am doing something to help my family, or when we are laughing together, being silly together. Having heart-to-heart conversations...I am truly grateful & blessed to have the family that I do. Of course, I have my "inside jokes" and my special moments with each and everyone of my family members, and a lot of those moments have a song or two associated with them. My little sister and I can say a lyric to each other and go right back to the very instant we were singing our hearts out in the car. Or when we did the exact same dance move without even realizing it. My niece, my oh-so-wonderful niece Emma has a big attachment to music already and we can dance and sing and have a great time listening to songs. She learns the lyrics quicker than I do! Of course when I hear those songs I can't get ahold of her to reminisce, and she probably wouldn't do a great job at remembering the moment anyways. Haha. I have those memories though. I can see her dancing her little bouncy dance on my bed listening to "Day n Night"...or making me put the "Care Bear Theme Song" on over & over & over again. Or cleaning out my car and watching her dance on my seats to the songs that "my mom likes, so its my favorite song". Good thing her mom likes ghetto fabulous music. Ha Just kidding. No not really. Even on my way to the airport this last time, she was rapping along with one of the songs, and when I hear that song, (I don't even like it that much) I always get through the rap just so I can picture her in the backseat, bopping to the beat, looking out the window, rapping away...like it's just a natural thing to do. And then I have the hillbilly sounds of Willie Nelson and the smooth sounds of SunVolt and of course the King himself, Elvis, to sync with moments with my mother. She is one of the best "boppers" of her time, and has a super awesome story that goes with Elvis...I can hear one song, one name, one lyric and instantly jet back to the moments that mean so much. I don't hear songs and go back to the icky teenage days where my mother and I fought all the time and I treated her terribly. I don't think back to the days of being overweight and a typical low-self esteem teen. I go back to the good days. The good moments. The fun. The happiness. The love.
You know when you hear a song and the lyrics hit a part of your heart and it actually kind of aches? It's not a painful ache, but an ache that reminds you of a love that you once had. A time of your life when you felt happy, was in love and loved just as much. Regardless of how it ended, or if the hole in your heart is healed or not, it was a time of your life that should never be forgotten. That's why I love those songs so much. They make me think of moments that I felt so incredible. It's actually pretty easy to think of the good times, and when the bad times try to break into your mind, you just keep thinking about how you felt during the good times. I have a lot of moments from my most recent romance (most recent like this time last year recent) that are too amazing to forget. Granted, there are a lot that I have pushed out of my mind a lot but there are a lot more memories that make me smile. With my relationship back in Spokane, there were definitely a lot less good and a too many bad moments, but the good ones were with his daughter, and those I will never ever ever let go of. So those sad songs...they aren't sad. They assist me in never forgetting lessons...never forgetting the "loved" moments. The way I felt in those exact moments of love, I want to feel every day of my life. A true, genuine feeling. Every day. I get it, every day. By listening to those songs.
There is a difference between a love song and a sad song to some people. To me...they are all ballads that deserve a good listen. I call myself a sap...a sucker for love songs. I think one of my friends said I like all that "baby making music." Well I have yet to really enjoy those songs to the baby making act...so I think we can just call them ballads. I love ballads. Every style of music has them. Some are about love, or loss, or sadness, or pain. Somehow or another, I find strength in those songs. Music is what feelings sound like. So to hear someone else's feelings, and feel like they are your own...helps. Helps to grasp thoughts and feelings that are sometimes out of reach. Unexplainable emotions, feelings. Sometimes just hearing the music your thoughts can even out just enough for you to sort through them. And then there are lyrics that you hear and stop and think, "how did this person know?" exactly what you were thinking? When you didn't even know exactly what you were thinking? All those confusing thoughts & feelings jumbled up inside, trying to make sense, and all it took was one song, one album, one voice, one lyric, one note, one cord....all it took was music. Everyone has experienced heart ache, sadness, loss, negative feelings and thoughts. EVERYONE has. Everyone can relate to everyone else on that level. No one has gone through life without sorrow. The songs that are written about pain and suffering, sorrow and sadness, could have been written about some spoiled little girls life, and when she lost her hamster to the dog. Or it could be about the girl who lived a rougher life, a broken home, a broken family. It could be about losing something significant, or something so small to everyone else, but the world to you. Every time you lose something in your life, it was lost so you could fill that space with something better. Something to make your life happier. It was lost for you to grow. When you look at it that way, you can't help but love the ballads. Everything has a positive light to it, you just have to find it. Or look at it from a different angle. To at least see the other side. Everyone has a choice as to how they see & feel things...so I choose to see things in positive perspective. A learning experience. A way to grow and become better.
I don't know if my emotions are a little A.D.D. or what, but I can usually go from a sad song to one that I listened to with my girls sometime in the past decade. Listened to them and danced around the apartment before we went out. Singing like we all sounded good together, cuz we DID! Dancing in the club...getting our groove on. Spazzing in the car - errrr I mean singing & dancing in the car. The songs that bring back the moments of freedom, reckless innocence. The times where we could party every night of the week and go to work no problem the next day. Those days are certainly over for me. I can barely handle going out late and staying sober without being able to take the next night off. Haha. Those songs that I can dance to sober, and the ones I just had to listen to so I could dance, and if I didn't, I would fall asleep on my chair cuz I was so tired. The songs you just can't help but dance to. In the car, thank goodness I have tinted windows, cuz I rock out ALL the time. That's one part of the heavy traffic I like & dislike at the same time. I can jam out too all my fave songs, but when it's so slow the other drivers can see what I am doing...I don't usually rock out. I have found I sing and dance a lot more when I am by myself, which is the case with most people I think. SOME special people see my dorkiness in the car..but not many. I don't know why...maybe I am just normal. I always remember the dance moves I made up with my friends. The nights at the clubs being the only ones on the dance floor...thinking we were the hottest thing since...whatever is hot. Ha. I think back to certain songs that only remind me of driving in the car with my friends, cruising downtown. Those songs...even though they are so old, and possibly getting outdated...I still can't get rid of them. I still have to listen to them. I still have to get the flashbacks to the good ole days. "Those were the days..." they always say. Yup. And I am blessed to have most of those friends still in my life. I kept my "good ole days" close enough that they will be with me forever. I miss those friends back home...dearly. Some of the bonds we had...man...unbreakable weren't they?
I was blessed with the passion for music, which led me to the greatest job I ever had back up in the Pacific NW. Working for the radio stations was such an experience, I will never forget the people I worked with. Ever. Even if music went away, that job will always be with me. The experiences I had, the people I met, the friends I made, the music I discovered, the direction it made my path go. I learned so much about who I was, who I am, and who I can be. Professionally and personally. I grew up finally, which may not have happened if I didn't experience those 3.5 years the way I did. I am ever so grateful for the jobs I have held in my life. Some of them seemed small and unimportant, but now the minimal duties I had actually come in handy now. To have jobs that were far from glamorous, that were just regular ho-hum jobs...those are what people NEED to have. Jobs that make them do things that are hard work. Things that are boring. Things that you may not want to do. You learn you gotta do what you gotta do. At the radio station, I learned that no matter what, certain things HAD to happen. If lines of communication got mixed up, there always is a solution. There is always a fix. And knowing how to figure that out and make sure it happens is a great skill to have. To be able to communicate with SO many different people on a daily basis, winners, clients, co-workers (ones that were liked as well as ones that were horrendously disliked). All of them a key factor in my job being done successfully. All of them necessary for me to get a paycheck. All of them a valuable tool in the company. Whether they were a positive or a negative tool, the company did benefit by learning from mistakes & successes. I was able to create the life for myself before actually getting to the checkpoint. Now that I am here, in California, pursuing my dream, I can see more of the things that took from working there. The things inside. I have better morals, better ideas, better values, better work ethic, better mentality, I can be a responsible grownup easily now. Due to what I did and learned during the past decade of working. Granted, my most recents jobs seemed to have seriously resulted in me getting where I am now, but without the others, I wouldn't have gotten where I did back home. So being grateful for every single day of work that I ever had...two days or 7 days a week. Being grateful to have the vehicles I have had to get to work. To have the homes I have had, a roof over my head, a warm house to keep from the cold, a kitchen to cook things in (ha me cook, funny I know)...all of that resulted from me working. From me being responsible. From me learning every day and growing every day. What's funny...is a SONG can make me remember ALL of that. One song. The song might change, but there is at least one song that can that take me back to the days at work. At all the different jobs I have had.
I rarely listened to a lot of rock music, but once I started working at the station, I listened to a lot more. So after my bootyshaking dance song, I can flip it to a rock song and be the air-drummer in the car...I can sing as loud as I want and it doesn't matter if I sound good or not, because there is no way I could sound good at a rock song, even if I wanted to. Those rock songs make me think about working with the kickass rock staff back home. The fun concerts, the nice bands. The egotistical bands that thought they were the shit...the ones that were so new and up&coming that they didn't know how to be anything but grateful. The music that has such incredible talent behind it...along with the rest of the musicians out there...but rock artists (drummers & guitarists mostly) to me are phenomenal to watch perform. So when I hear a song that I have seen live, I can tune myself into remember exactly what I want from that experience. I can see the musicians 100% into their music, putting their all into the performance, making sure they are pleasing the fans.
It's funny how I can bounce from sappy love song to good solid dance hip hop song to a rock song and then to a country song and back to an old skool r&b song to a blues & soulful ballad to an 80's big hair "girls just wanna have fun" song. I can go from one song to another...rarely listening to the whole thing...before I move on to the next one. Every song reminds me of why I am here. How I got here. Who has been important in my life. The lessons I learned on this path - this journey. Many people say that the lessons you need to learn rarely come from a good experience. You have to go through hardships and rough times to become a stronger and better person. You have to overcome difficulties and stay persistent with your dreams. Never give up on something you can't live a day without. Unless its drugs or alcohol or gambling or a bad addiction of some kind. I can never ever give up on music. Music helps me, my mind, my soul in so many ways. I am grateful for every step of the way that got me to here, right now...I am going to start working next week and this journey has been rough, and there is always a curve you can't see beyond, but I am ready for what's beyond the mountains. Beyond the curves in the road. Past the detours...I am ready for it all.
It's kind of funny, at my church, Rev. Michael Bernard Beckwith pointed out that when you are in a high state of confusion, there is something old dying and something new being born. An idea, a thought, something in your life is transitioning. For me, when I am in a state of high confusion, music calms the waves. Opens the space up and lets things work themselves out. I can go to Malibu and sit on the beach and let my mind calm itself, but there is always music playing. I can sit in my room alone with music in my ears and the chaos settles. It's almost like music released it from whatever it was and let it be. Just let it be. Instead of over analyzing everything, running things through my head a millions times, allowing the confusion to overcome...music just lets it be.
Soooooo yeah. I knew I had a lot to get out, but I manage to surprise myself every time I start writing...
That was an interesting way for me to start this blog...I can tell it's going to be a doozy.
**Note - after writing this blog, I realized how different it came out. I didn't intend for it to be like this (aka this LONG), but it reminded me that every moment, every aspect, every ounce of my life is something to be grateful for. Yes, it's not a generic "I AM GRATEFUL FOR...." blog..but I am grateful for music, and through music I can have all of my blessings in my mind, body & soul. Right here...inside. With me. Always. Thank you.**
It's not a secret how much music means to my life. It is what led me to where I am now. It saved my life...literally. It has fueled so many emotions, it has inspired so many letters. I am reminded to be grateful every day, because I listen to music at least 75% of each day. It makes me happy, makes me feel good. Even sad songs, those tap into another part of me that I am so grateful for. Actually, depending on the day, any song can tap into many different parts of my life that I feel so blessed to have.
The love & support I get from my family is indescribable. I know why family is so high on my list of priority and importance. There are quite a lot of successful people on this planet that didn't have supportive families on their road to success, but there are just as many or more people that achieved their dreams because of their family. To have people believe in you unconditionally (well, sometimes the conditions change & so does the support) and those people push you and help you through the tough times so you don't quit. So you achieve your dreams, your goals. So you are happy with as much of your life as possible. That's what family does. They love you. They help you. They are there for you. They make sacrifices and go above & beyond for each other. Every family has issues, quirks, awkward situations, arguments, times of need and sorrow. And yet they are always and forever family. That's what my family does. That's how my family is. I feel like more of a human being, a real person, when I am with my family. When I am doing something to help my family, or when we are laughing together, being silly together. Having heart-to-heart conversations...I am truly grateful & blessed to have the family that I do. Of course, I have my "inside jokes" and my special moments with each and everyone of my family members, and a lot of those moments have a song or two associated with them. My little sister and I can say a lyric to each other and go right back to the very instant we were singing our hearts out in the car. Or when we did the exact same dance move without even realizing it. My niece, my oh-so-wonderful niece Emma has a big attachment to music already and we can dance and sing and have a great time listening to songs. She learns the lyrics quicker than I do! Of course when I hear those songs I can't get ahold of her to reminisce, and she probably wouldn't do a great job at remembering the moment anyways. Haha. I have those memories though. I can see her dancing her little bouncy dance on my bed listening to "Day n Night"...or making me put the "Care Bear Theme Song" on over & over & over again. Or cleaning out my car and watching her dance on my seats to the songs that "my mom likes, so its my favorite song". Good thing her mom likes ghetto fabulous music. Ha Just kidding. No not really. Even on my way to the airport this last time, she was rapping along with one of the songs, and when I hear that song, (I don't even like it that much) I always get through the rap just so I can picture her in the backseat, bopping to the beat, looking out the window, rapping away...like it's just a natural thing to do. And then I have the hillbilly sounds of Willie Nelson and the smooth sounds of SunVolt and of course the King himself, Elvis, to sync with moments with my mother. She is one of the best "boppers" of her time, and has a super awesome story that goes with Elvis...I can hear one song, one name, one lyric and instantly jet back to the moments that mean so much. I don't hear songs and go back to the icky teenage days where my mother and I fought all the time and I treated her terribly. I don't think back to the days of being overweight and a typical low-self esteem teen. I go back to the good days. The good moments. The fun. The happiness. The love.
You know when you hear a song and the lyrics hit a part of your heart and it actually kind of aches? It's not a painful ache, but an ache that reminds you of a love that you once had. A time of your life when you felt happy, was in love and loved just as much. Regardless of how it ended, or if the hole in your heart is healed or not, it was a time of your life that should never be forgotten. That's why I love those songs so much. They make me think of moments that I felt so incredible. It's actually pretty easy to think of the good times, and when the bad times try to break into your mind, you just keep thinking about how you felt during the good times. I have a lot of moments from my most recent romance (most recent like this time last year recent) that are too amazing to forget. Granted, there are a lot that I have pushed out of my mind a lot but there are a lot more memories that make me smile. With my relationship back in Spokane, there were definitely a lot less good and a too many bad moments, but the good ones were with his daughter, and those I will never ever ever let go of. So those sad songs...they aren't sad. They assist me in never forgetting lessons...never forgetting the "loved" moments. The way I felt in those exact moments of love, I want to feel every day of my life. A true, genuine feeling. Every day. I get it, every day. By listening to those songs.
There is a difference between a love song and a sad song to some people. To me...they are all ballads that deserve a good listen. I call myself a sap...a sucker for love songs. I think one of my friends said I like all that "baby making music." Well I have yet to really enjoy those songs to the baby making act...so I think we can just call them ballads. I love ballads. Every style of music has them. Some are about love, or loss, or sadness, or pain. Somehow or another, I find strength in those songs. Music is what feelings sound like. So to hear someone else's feelings, and feel like they are your own...helps. Helps to grasp thoughts and feelings that are sometimes out of reach. Unexplainable emotions, feelings. Sometimes just hearing the music your thoughts can even out just enough for you to sort through them. And then there are lyrics that you hear and stop and think, "how did this person know?" exactly what you were thinking? When you didn't even know exactly what you were thinking? All those confusing thoughts & feelings jumbled up inside, trying to make sense, and all it took was one song, one album, one voice, one lyric, one note, one cord....all it took was music. Everyone has experienced heart ache, sadness, loss, negative feelings and thoughts. EVERYONE has. Everyone can relate to everyone else on that level. No one has gone through life without sorrow. The songs that are written about pain and suffering, sorrow and sadness, could have been written about some spoiled little girls life, and when she lost her hamster to the dog. Or it could be about the girl who lived a rougher life, a broken home, a broken family. It could be about losing something significant, or something so small to everyone else, but the world to you. Every time you lose something in your life, it was lost so you could fill that space with something better. Something to make your life happier. It was lost for you to grow. When you look at it that way, you can't help but love the ballads. Everything has a positive light to it, you just have to find it. Or look at it from a different angle. To at least see the other side. Everyone has a choice as to how they see & feel things...so I choose to see things in positive perspective. A learning experience. A way to grow and become better.
I don't know if my emotions are a little A.D.D. or what, but I can usually go from a sad song to one that I listened to with my girls sometime in the past decade. Listened to them and danced around the apartment before we went out. Singing like we all sounded good together, cuz we DID! Dancing in the club...getting our groove on. Spazzing in the car - errrr I mean singing & dancing in the car. The songs that bring back the moments of freedom, reckless innocence. The times where we could party every night of the week and go to work no problem the next day. Those days are certainly over for me. I can barely handle going out late and staying sober without being able to take the next night off. Haha. Those songs that I can dance to sober, and the ones I just had to listen to so I could dance, and if I didn't, I would fall asleep on my chair cuz I was so tired. The songs you just can't help but dance to. In the car, thank goodness I have tinted windows, cuz I rock out ALL the time. That's one part of the heavy traffic I like & dislike at the same time. I can jam out too all my fave songs, but when it's so slow the other drivers can see what I am doing...I don't usually rock out. I have found I sing and dance a lot more when I am by myself, which is the case with most people I think. SOME special people see my dorkiness in the car..but not many. I don't know why...maybe I am just normal. I always remember the dance moves I made up with my friends. The nights at the clubs being the only ones on the dance floor...thinking we were the hottest thing since...whatever is hot. Ha. I think back to certain songs that only remind me of driving in the car with my friends, cruising downtown. Those songs...even though they are so old, and possibly getting outdated...I still can't get rid of them. I still have to listen to them. I still have to get the flashbacks to the good ole days. "Those were the days..." they always say. Yup. And I am blessed to have most of those friends still in my life. I kept my "good ole days" close enough that they will be with me forever. I miss those friends back home...dearly. Some of the bonds we had...man...unbreakable weren't they?
I was blessed with the passion for music, which led me to the greatest job I ever had back up in the Pacific NW. Working for the radio stations was such an experience, I will never forget the people I worked with. Ever. Even if music went away, that job will always be with me. The experiences I had, the people I met, the friends I made, the music I discovered, the direction it made my path go. I learned so much about who I was, who I am, and who I can be. Professionally and personally. I grew up finally, which may not have happened if I didn't experience those 3.5 years the way I did. I am ever so grateful for the jobs I have held in my life. Some of them seemed small and unimportant, but now the minimal duties I had actually come in handy now. To have jobs that were far from glamorous, that were just regular ho-hum jobs...those are what people NEED to have. Jobs that make them do things that are hard work. Things that are boring. Things that you may not want to do. You learn you gotta do what you gotta do. At the radio station, I learned that no matter what, certain things HAD to happen. If lines of communication got mixed up, there always is a solution. There is always a fix. And knowing how to figure that out and make sure it happens is a great skill to have. To be able to communicate with SO many different people on a daily basis, winners, clients, co-workers (ones that were liked as well as ones that were horrendously disliked). All of them a key factor in my job being done successfully. All of them necessary for me to get a paycheck. All of them a valuable tool in the company. Whether they were a positive or a negative tool, the company did benefit by learning from mistakes & successes. I was able to create the life for myself before actually getting to the checkpoint. Now that I am here, in California, pursuing my dream, I can see more of the things that took from working there. The things inside. I have better morals, better ideas, better values, better work ethic, better mentality, I can be a responsible grownup easily now. Due to what I did and learned during the past decade of working. Granted, my most recents jobs seemed to have seriously resulted in me getting where I am now, but without the others, I wouldn't have gotten where I did back home. So being grateful for every single day of work that I ever had...two days or 7 days a week. Being grateful to have the vehicles I have had to get to work. To have the homes I have had, a roof over my head, a warm house to keep from the cold, a kitchen to cook things in (ha me cook, funny I know)...all of that resulted from me working. From me being responsible. From me learning every day and growing every day. What's funny...is a SONG can make me remember ALL of that. One song. The song might change, but there is at least one song that can that take me back to the days at work. At all the different jobs I have had.
I rarely listened to a lot of rock music, but once I started working at the station, I listened to a lot more. So after my bootyshaking dance song, I can flip it to a rock song and be the air-drummer in the car...I can sing as loud as I want and it doesn't matter if I sound good or not, because there is no way I could sound good at a rock song, even if I wanted to. Those rock songs make me think about working with the kickass rock staff back home. The fun concerts, the nice bands. The egotistical bands that thought they were the shit...the ones that were so new and up&coming that they didn't know how to be anything but grateful. The music that has such incredible talent behind it...along with the rest of the musicians out there...but rock artists (drummers & guitarists mostly) to me are phenomenal to watch perform. So when I hear a song that I have seen live, I can tune myself into remember exactly what I want from that experience. I can see the musicians 100% into their music, putting their all into the performance, making sure they are pleasing the fans.
It's funny how I can bounce from sappy love song to good solid dance hip hop song to a rock song and then to a country song and back to an old skool r&b song to a blues & soulful ballad to an 80's big hair "girls just wanna have fun" song. I can go from one song to another...rarely listening to the whole thing...before I move on to the next one. Every song reminds me of why I am here. How I got here. Who has been important in my life. The lessons I learned on this path - this journey. Many people say that the lessons you need to learn rarely come from a good experience. You have to go through hardships and rough times to become a stronger and better person. You have to overcome difficulties and stay persistent with your dreams. Never give up on something you can't live a day without. Unless its drugs or alcohol or gambling or a bad addiction of some kind. I can never ever give up on music. Music helps me, my mind, my soul in so many ways. I am grateful for every step of the way that got me to here, right now...I am going to start working next week and this journey has been rough, and there is always a curve you can't see beyond, but I am ready for what's beyond the mountains. Beyond the curves in the road. Past the detours...I am ready for it all.
It's kind of funny, at my church, Rev. Michael Bernard Beckwith pointed out that when you are in a high state of confusion, there is something old dying and something new being born. An idea, a thought, something in your life is transitioning. For me, when I am in a state of high confusion, music calms the waves. Opens the space up and lets things work themselves out. I can go to Malibu and sit on the beach and let my mind calm itself, but there is always music playing. I can sit in my room alone with music in my ears and the chaos settles. It's almost like music released it from whatever it was and let it be. Just let it be. Instead of over analyzing everything, running things through my head a millions times, allowing the confusion to overcome...music just lets it be.
Soooooo yeah. I knew I had a lot to get out, but I manage to surprise myself every time I start writing...
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