A month into 2010...

Every day I am reminded of why I am in Los Angeles, motivated and positive my dreams will come true. Every single day I listen to music. I feel the lyrics. I am to be silly, sensitive, insightful, and connect with something different. Every day. There have been days that I will go through so many different songs, trying to find the one that my sub-conscious wants to hear. Sometimes it takes a really long time to find it. Sometimes I have to settle and listen to something else and give it another try after a short break. Even if takes a little longer at times, I always find that song. I love it when that song ends of being one I have never heard. I used to find new music or unheard tracks all the time. I fell out of that habit some time ago, and unintentionally forget how good it feels. Listening to the new talent, the new lyrics, the new melodies, everything new...it's so cool. 

That was an interesting way for me to start this blog...I can tell it's going to be a doozy.  
**Note - after writing this blog, I realized how different it came out. I didn't intend for it to be like this (aka this LONG), but it reminded me that every moment, every aspect, every ounce of my life is something to be grateful for. Yes, it's not a generic "I AM GRATEFUL FOR...." blog..but I am grateful for music, and through music I can have all of my blessings in my mind, body & soul. Right here...inside. With me. Always. Thank you.**

It's not a secret how much music means to my life. It is what led me to where I am now. It saved my life...literally. It has fueled so many emotions, it has inspired so many letters. I am reminded to be grateful every day, because I listen to music at least 75% of each day. It makes me happy, makes me feel good. Even sad songs, those tap into another part of me that I am so grateful for. Actually, depending on the day, any song can tap into many different parts of my life that I feel so blessed to have. 

The love & support I get from my family is indescribable. I know why family is so high on my list of priority and importance. There are quite a lot of successful people on this planet that didn't have supportive families on their road to success, but there are just as many or more people that achieved their dreams because of their family. To have people believe in you unconditionally (well, sometimes the conditions change & so does the support) and those people push you and help you through the tough times so you don't quit. So you achieve your dreams, your goals. So you are happy with as much of your life as possible. That's what family does. They love you. They help you. They are there for you. They make sacrifices and go above & beyond for each other. Every family has issues, quirks, awkward situations, arguments, times of need and sorrow. And yet they are always and forever family. That's what my family does. That's how my family is. I feel like more of a human being, a real person, when I am with my family. When I am doing something to help my family, or when we are laughing together, being silly together. Having heart-to-heart conversations...I am truly grateful & blessed to have the family that I do. Of course, I have my "inside jokes" and my special moments with each and everyone of my family members, and a lot of those moments have a song or two associated with them. My little sister and I can say a lyric to each other and go right back to the very instant we were singing our hearts out in the car. Or when we did the exact same dance move without even realizing it. My niece, my oh-so-wonderful niece Emma has a big attachment to music already and we can dance and sing and have a great time listening to songs. She learns the lyrics quicker than I do! Of course when I hear those songs I can't get ahold of her to reminisce, and she probably wouldn't do a great job at remembering the moment anyways. Haha. I have those memories though. I can see her dancing her little bouncy dance on my bed listening to "Day n Night"...or making me put the "Care Bear Theme Song" on over & over & over again. Or cleaning out my car and watching her dance on my seats to the songs that "my mom likes, so its my favorite song". Good thing her mom likes ghetto fabulous music. Ha Just kidding. No not really. Even on my way to the airport this last time, she was rapping along with one of the songs, and when I hear that song, (I don't even like it that much) I always get through the rap just so I can picture her in the backseat, bopping to the beat, looking out the window, rapping away...like it's just a natural thing to do. And then I have the hillbilly sounds of Willie Nelson and the smooth sounds of SunVolt and of course the King himself, Elvis, to sync with moments with my mother. She is one of the best "boppers" of her time, and has a super awesome story that goes with Elvis...I can hear one song, one name, one lyric and instantly jet back to the moments that mean so much. I don't hear songs and go back to the icky teenage days where my mother and I fought all the time and I treated her terribly. I don't think back to the days of being overweight and a typical low-self esteem teen. I go back to the good days. The good moments. The fun. The happiness. The love.


You know when you hear a song and the lyrics hit a part of your heart and it actually kind of aches? It's not a painful ache, but an ache that reminds you of a love that you once had. A time of your life when you felt happy, was in love and loved just as much. Regardless of how it ended, or if the hole in your heart is healed or not, it was a time of your life that should never be forgotten. That's why I love those songs so much. They make me think of moments that I felt so incredible. It's actually pretty easy to think of the good times, and when the bad times try to break into your mind, you just keep thinking about how you felt during the good times. I have a lot of moments from my most recent romance (most recent like this time last year recent) that are too amazing to forget. Granted, there are a lot that I have pushed out of my mind a lot but there are a lot more memories that make me smile. With my relationship back in Spokane, there were definitely a lot less good and a too many bad moments, but the good ones were with his daughter, and those I will never ever ever let go of. So those sad songs...they aren't sad. They assist me in never forgetting lessons...never forgetting the "loved" moments. The way I felt in those exact moments of love, I want to feel every day of my life. A true, genuine feeling. Every day. I get it, every day. By listening to those songs.

There is a difference between a love song and a sad song to some people. To me...they are all ballads that deserve a good listen. I call myself a sap...a sucker for love songs. I think one of my friends said I like all that "baby making music." Well I have yet to really enjoy those songs to the baby making act...so I think we can just call them ballads. I love ballads. Every style of music has them. Some are about love, or loss, or sadness, or pain. Somehow or another, I find strength in those songs. Music is what feelings sound like. So to hear someone else's feelings, and feel like they are your own...helps. Helps to grasp thoughts and feelings that are sometimes out of reach. Unexplainable emotions, feelings. Sometimes just hearing the music your thoughts can even out just enough for you to sort through them. And then there are lyrics that you hear and stop and think, "how did this person know?" exactly what you were thinking? When you didn't even know exactly what you were thinking? All those confusing thoughts & feelings jumbled up inside, trying to make sense, and all it took was one song, one album, one voice, one lyric, one note, one cord....all it took was music. Everyone has experienced heart ache, sadness, loss, negative feelings and thoughts. EVERYONE has. Everyone can relate to everyone else on that level. No one has gone through life without sorrow. The songs that are written about pain and suffering, sorrow and sadness, could have been written about some spoiled little girls life, and when she lost her hamster to the dog. Or it could be about the girl who lived a rougher life, a broken home, a broken family. It could be about losing something significant, or something so small to everyone else, but the world to you. Every time you lose something in your life, it was lost so you could fill that space with something better. Something to make your life happier. It was lost for you to grow. When you look at it that way, you can't help but love the ballads. Everything has a positive light to it, you just have to find it. Or look at it from a different angle. To at least see the other side. Everyone has a choice as to how they see & feel things...so I choose to see things in positive perspective. A learning experience. A way to grow and become better.


I don't know if my emotions are a little A.D.D. or what, but I can usually go from a sad song to one that I listened to with my girls sometime in the past decade. Listened to them and danced around the apartment before we went out. Singing like we all sounded good together, cuz we DID! Dancing in the club...getting our groove on. Spazzing in the car - errrr I mean singing & dancing in the car. The songs that bring back the moments of freedom, reckless innocence. The times where we could party every night of the week and go to work no problem the next day. Those days are certainly over for me. I can barely handle going out late and staying sober without being able to take the next night off. Haha. Those songs that I can dance to sober, and the ones I just had to listen to so I could dance, and if I didn't, I would fall asleep on my chair cuz I was so tired. The songs you just can't help but dance to. In the car, thank goodness I have tinted windows, cuz I rock out ALL the time. That's one part of the heavy traffic I like & dislike at the same time. I can jam out too all my fave songs, but when it's so slow the other drivers can see what I am doing...I don't usually rock out. I have found I sing and dance a lot more when I am by myself, which is the case with most people I think. SOME special people see my dorkiness in the car..but not many. I don't know why...maybe I am just normal. I always remember the dance moves I made up with my friends. The nights at the clubs being the only ones on the dance floor...thinking we were the hottest thing since...whatever is hot. Ha. I think back to certain songs that only remind me of driving in the car with my friends, cruising downtown. Those songs...even though they are so old, and possibly getting outdated...I still can't get rid of them. I still have to listen to them. I still have to get the flashbacks to the good ole days. "Those were the days..." they always say. Yup. And I am blessed to have most of those friends still in my life. I kept my "good ole days" close enough that they will be with me forever. I miss those friends back home...dearly. Some of the bonds we had...man...unbreakable weren't they? 


I was blessed with the passion for music, which led me to the greatest job I ever had back up in the Pacific NW. Working for the radio stations was such an experience, I will never forget the people I worked with. Ever. Even if music went away, that job will always be with me. The experiences I had, the people I met, the friends I made, the music I discovered, the direction it made my path go. I learned so much about who I was, who I am, and who I can be. Professionally and personally. I grew up finally, which may not have happened if I didn't experience those 3.5 years the way I did. I am ever so grateful for the jobs I have held in my life. Some of them seemed small and unimportant, but now the minimal duties I had actually come in handy now. To have jobs that were far from glamorous, that were just regular ho-hum jobs...those are what people NEED to have. Jobs that make them do things that are hard work. Things that are boring. Things that you may not want to do. You learn you gotta do what you gotta do. At the radio station, I learned that no matter what, certain things HAD to happen. If lines of communication got mixed up, there always is a solution. There is always a fix. And knowing how to figure that out and make sure it happens is a great skill to have. To be able to communicate with SO many different people on a daily basis, winners, clients, co-workers (ones that were liked as well as ones that were horrendously disliked). All of them a key factor in my job being done successfully. All of them necessary for me to get a paycheck. All of them a valuable tool in the company. Whether they were a positive or a negative tool, the company did benefit by learning from mistakes & successes. I was able to create the life for myself before actually getting to the checkpoint. Now that I am here, in California, pursuing my dream, I can see more of the things that took from working there. The things inside. I have better morals, better ideas, better values, better work ethic, better mentality, I can be a responsible grownup easily now. Due to what I did and learned during the past decade of working. Granted, my most recents jobs seemed to have seriously resulted in me getting where I am now, but without the others, I wouldn't have gotten where I did back home. So being grateful for every single day of work that I ever had...two days or 7 days a week. Being grateful to have the vehicles I have had to get to work. To have the homes I have had, a roof over my head, a warm house to keep from the cold, a kitchen to cook things in (ha me cook, funny I know)...all of that resulted from me working. From me being responsible. From me learning every day and growing every day. What's funny...is a SONG can make me remember ALL of that. One song. The song might change, but there is at least one song that can that take me back to the days at work. At all the different jobs I have had.
I rarely listened to a lot of rock music, but once I started working at the station, I listened to a lot more. So after my bootyshaking dance song, I can flip it to a rock song and be the air-drummer in the car...I can sing as loud as I want and it doesn't matter if I sound good or not, because there is no way I could sound good at a rock song, even if I wanted to. Those rock songs make me think about working with the kickass rock staff back home. The fun concerts, the nice bands. The egotistical bands that thought they were the shit...the ones that were so new and up&coming that they didn't know how to be anything but grateful. The music that has such incredible talent behind it...along with the rest of the musicians out there...but rock artists (drummers & guitarists mostly) to me are phenomenal to watch perform. So when I hear a song that I have seen live, I can tune myself into remember exactly what I want from that experience. I can see the musicians 100% into their music, putting their all into the performance, making sure they are pleasing the fans. 




It's funny how I can bounce from sappy love song to good solid dance hip hop song to a rock song and then to a country song and back to an old skool r&b song to a blues & soulful ballad to an 80's big hair "girls just wanna have fun" song. I can go from one song to another...rarely listening to the whole thing...before I move on to the next one. Every song reminds me of why I am here. How I got here. Who has been important in my life. The lessons I learned on this path - this journey. Many people say that the lessons you need to learn rarely come from a good experience. You have to go through hardships and rough times to become a stronger and better person. You have to overcome difficulties and stay persistent with your dreams. Never give up on something you can't live a day without. Unless its drugs or alcohol or gambling or a bad addiction of some kind. I can never ever give up on music. Music helps me, my mind, my soul in so many ways. I am grateful for every step of the way that got me to here, right now...I am going to start working next week and this journey has been rough, and there is always a curve you can't see beyond, but I am ready for what's beyond the mountains. Beyond the curves in the road. Past the detours...I am ready for it all.

It's kind of funny, at my church, Rev. Michael Bernard Beckwith pointed out that when you are in a high state of confusion, there is something old dying and something new being born. An idea, a thought, something in your life is transitioning. For me, when I am in a state of high confusion, music calms the waves. Opens the space up and lets things work themselves out. I can go to Malibu and sit on the beach and let my mind calm itself, but there is always music playing. I can sit in my room alone with music in my ears and the chaos settles. It's almost like music released it from whatever it was and let it be. Just let it be. Instead of over analyzing everything, running things through my head a millions times, allowing the confusion to overcome...music just lets it be. 

Soooooo yeah. I knew I had a lot to get out, but I manage to surprise myself every time I start writing...